What would happen if everyone prayed for Mitt Romney?
Nothing, unless by “prayed” they actually meant “voted” (then he would win) or “handed cans to” (then he would look like he cared about Hurricane Sandy) or “stuck out their tongues at.” (Then he would be sad? It would be more productive than thinking kind yet intangible thoughts!)
But one very rational Christian (with a flair for website design) who says he’s accepted the fact that, based on polls, Obama will likely win a second term as president next Tuesday has a plan: a giant mega prayer party, backed up by SCIENCE.
“I mean, how could prayer affect a national election?” Anonymous Genius Savior Person writes. (We like his snark. Someone’s been reading Gawker Media sites!) “The idea is just sort of ridiculous really. Honestly, I don’t even know why you’re still reading this. No one takes this stuff seriously. No one at all. Except scientists.”
(Science, man. So awesome when you want to link to dubious studies about the life-changing efficacy of prayer. So silly and pointless in relation to rising ocean levels.)
There have been hundreds of scientific studies proving the effects of group prayer…Did you know that patients who had a group pray for them, even without their knowledge, show positive effects by healing faster or better in 57% of studies?”
WELL, legitimate studies that show the healing effects of prayer tend to conclude that people who pray are less anxious and depressed, which means that they have lower blood pressure and healthier, less-stressed hearts. No one who prays, regardless of how awesome they are at praying, is healthier because someone up there is rewarding them for thinking about Jesus et al. Also: the last study he’s referring to actually concluded that “the methodologic limitations of several studies make it difficult to draw definitive conclusions about the efficacy of distant healing.” But, psh, details.
So if prayer is so productive, why don’t we do this group prayer thing all of the time!? We do, says Anonymous Praying Genius Person. We’d be speaking Turkish right now if it hadn’t worked! (His version of history is that the Muslim Ottoman Empire would’ve conquered Europe if it wasn’t for mass prayer.) Now, it’s our turn: “There are no accidents. You found this site for a reason. Join the largest simultaneous group prayer of it’s [sic] kind.”
There’s a little box where you can pledge to “pray sincerely” for Mittens and check a little box that proves you’re a Christian, too. Do they not want prayers from everyone? The website doesn’t say, although it does have a little note that the “Everyone” in “What if everyone prayed for Mitt Romney” means “the millions of conservatives who support Mitt Romney, of course.”
OF COURSE. These are facts, people.