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Please Don't Fuck on This Beach

Illustration for article titled Please Dont Fuck on This Beach
Image: Getty

Some nudists just looking for a good time, otherwise known as the Belgian Naturism Federation, were denied their application for a second nudist beach near Westende on the Northwest shore of the country close to Dunkirk, France. The Flemish wildlife agency is to blame, claiming that freaky “subsidiary activities” could disrupt a rare bird in the area, the Guardian reports. So, yeah, don’t bone on the beach, or you’ll scare off the “the locally treasured crested lark,” also known as the Galerida cristata.  

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They’re actually really cute birds:

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The Flemish Agency for Nature and Woodland narced to Joke Schauvliege, the environmental minister of the region, that screwing in the dunes will both damage them and cause the larks to flee. (It’s pretty impressive if your lovemaking fucks with the integrity of the environment around you.) Steve Vandeberghe, mayor of the nearby Bredene where the only nudist beach in the area is located, gave this really choice and potentially irrelevant quote:

“Barbed wire against nudists? Pff. As if a man without clothes cannot get over a barbed wire.”

Though naturists can totally f each other, it’s apparently not encouraged, according to Koen Meulemans, chair of the Belgian Naturism Federation:

“We too regret this behavior, which has nothing to do with naturism. These are not real naturists for us.”

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He’s still disappointed they didn’t score the location, because there are no buildings or sea dikes in the area that look onto the beach, so these nakeds could really enjoy themselves and each other without scarring prudes. Whatever.

Beaches are for the birds, I guess.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

There was a very popular ‘clothing optional’ beach in the city where I used to live, but I would say that maybe 25-30% max were actually nude. Most people would go there (including me) because the other nearby beaches had so. many. kids. and way more cops. Both dogs and drinking were technically against the rules, so having a few ultra-tan, leathery bods around was acceptable if we could get away with bringing the pups and some beers.

Tbh sex on the beach has always seemed like a terrible idea to me.