Piper Palin Is Pretty Pissed At The Media

"Thanks for ruining our vacation."
—Piper Palin, a 10-year-old who's been misinformed regarding the nature of her family's road trip, to a Time photographer.


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Dear Piper,

Piper, what you're on isn't a vacation. It's another one of your mommy's "Me" moments. You know what I'm talking about kiddo - those times when you just need mommy to be mommy and hang out and watch movies 'n stuff but she has to be all presidential and important an' everything 'cause people think she's supersmart and awesome (even though she can't tie yer shoelaces and so she makes you wear flip flops). Yeah, this is one of those times again :(

I know she told you you guys were gonna get on a big ol' bus an' like drive around the WORLD and see cool things and maybe go to Disneyland! Oh ... you guys didn't go to Disneyland? You went to some icky grave site instead??? That sucks kiddo it really does. Maybe next time mommy will remember that you're still a 10 year old ...

I know it's hard right now and everything - especially after that stinky pizza with that stinky man and his stinky silly hair and stupid voice, but things will get better! Soon you'll live in AZ where it never gets cold! Ever! It'll be all sunshine all the time! It will be the bestest place ever! Wait? You're going to miss your friends and the snow and the fun? I'm sorry kiddo - I really am. But remember mommy is having one of her "Me" years again and sometimes it's just best to not say anything because you know how upset she gets and when she gets upset she throws fishsticks. Yeah, I know. Her and daddy need to talk about that. Mad Mommy Fishstick can get kinda scary.

But it's ok. Remember when it's all said and done mommy still loves you. She just kinda gets selfish once in a while.