While a quick perusal of most celebrity social media profiles makes me crave the sweet release of death, Phoebe Bridgers’s Twitter routinely reminds me that being alive is fine.
If you’ve not yet perused Phoebe’s page, then let this be your official introduction. Sure, she uses her Twitter to advertise concert dates and engage with people about her music (sometimes), but she also uses it to absolutely roast the shit out of people. Which is to say: She’s basically the world’s best reply guy.
For example, when sentient handlebar mustache David Crosby tweeted about how he believes “unions are useless and totally dishonest”—a fundamentally bad and stupid thought—Phoebe stepped in to offer a truly cerebral response: “bitch.”
No notes, Pheebs.
Now, I’m a responsible journalist so I’m obviously not going to provide merely one instance of Phoebe’s ruthless replies. Let’s dive headfirst into the schadenfreude, shall we?
As evidenced by the cult classic film Clueless, calling someone a virgin to their face can be a lethal blow. I mean, you’re literally telling someone, “I just know you do not, have not, and cannot fuck.” Devastating. That said, calling someone a “fucking virgin” on Twitter is, objectively, hilarious. Especially when it’s said to someone who has no respect for women’s rights! On a few occasions, Phoebe’s called out some fucking virgins for being fucking virgins:
And let’s not forget that time that she treated Ben Shapiro exactly how one should treat a “man” who is actually two elementary school children in a trench coat.
There was also that time she asked the timeless question of, “what if we fucked” or that other time she respectfully told us all to get vaccinated or that she’d spit in our eyes. Though, I know some people are into having their eyes spit into so, admittedly, it’s probably not her best work because—in this house—we don’t kink-shame; but it’s still nice to see a big celebrity using their platform to implore people to do things to support public health!!! Perhaps we can all spit in each other’s eyes and be vaccinated. Arguably a win-win.
Anyway, thanks for the laughs, Pheebs, and we’ll make sure we send any fucking virgins your way.