Petition for A24 To Make a Movie About the Great Little Debbie Snack Heist

From Food & Wine (emphasis mine):

The year got off to an aggressive start with the first theft occurring in the early morning darkness of New Year’s Day. According to KFVS, two suspects broke into a storage unit and stole 20 boxes: eight cases of bagged donuts, three cases of Strawberry Shortcakes, two cases of Zebra Cake Rolls, three cases of Susie Q’s, two cases of Unicorn Cakes, and two cases of Birthday cakes—all of which were apparently loaded into a Lincoln MKZ sedan. Watching the video, the specific unit appears to be targeted, and the tenet reportedly told police the lock was broken. So at the very least, it’s not like someone saw the boxes sitting out and decided to grab them on a whim. This was a planned snack cake crime.

But as if a New Year’s Day cake heist isn’t odd enough, the story became even more bizarre last week when, once again, KFVS reported on another theft of Little Debbie Snack Cakes from a different storage unit. On May 22, once again, two suspects broke into a unit and carried off an undisclosed number of boxes of the snack cakes. Adding to the intrigue, it wasn’t immediately known whether or not the two incidents were connected or not.

Frankly, how could they not be connected? How many Little Debbie-centric thieves can there possibly be in the state of Missouri?

The local police department appears to have a sense of humor about the ordeal, however: They shared security footage of the theft on Facebook, set to Jim Ragsdale’s “The Twinkie Song,” an ode to the other famed Hostess snack back when Twinkie production was briefly suspended in the early 2010s: “You better stock up on your Twinkies, they aren’t makin’ them no more/They’re shuttin’ down the factory, you won’t find them in the store/And cupcakes will go with ‘em, loaf of Wonder Bread will too/Well just how long will it be ‘til they get to me and you.” Chilling stuff! Or, perhaps, prophetic: Maybe the thieves are just simply preparing just in case Little Debbie eventually gets the boot.

Either way, I cannot wait until A24 comes out with a high-octane Little Debbie heist movie starring Nicholas Braun and Timothee Chalamet.