Good morning and Happy New Year, how are we all feeling this morning? Are we going to tackle 2019 with the same enthusiasm with which I will tackle this Dirt Bag—bleary-eyed, with a mild cold but FILLED with caffeine?! Yes.
Pete Davidson did stand-up for the first time since making a concerning Instagram post two weeks ago, selling out two shows in Boston and Medford, Mass. According to E!, Davidson dove gamely into discussing his breakup with Ariana Grande, which among other things included what it felt like to be called out on “thank u, next.” From E!:
“Here’s the thing about the breakup song. Usually breakup songs you know who it’s about but you don’t really know. That G named all of us,” he told the crowd. “Bam. She named all of us. And then, tells us, yeah, he has a big dick.”
He then apparently rhapsodized for some time about his ample nethers, as well he should, I guess. Pete may have lost Ariana, but he’ll always have his big dick. Good for you, Pete. Good for you.
Taylor Swift rang in 2019 dressed as a fish person, along with Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Gigi Hadid and several other lithe associates she probably keeps in her closet.
At some point during what I assume was fairly early on in the festivities thanks to the untouched cheese plate, she and Reynolds appeared to drink gin straight from the bottle. It’s not even noon and I can’t even imagine a more cursed image. Don’t talk to me for the rest of the day.
Chrissy Teigen began her new year by getting hit in the face with Leslie Jones’s umbrella. Same.