Personhood Advocates Take Hopeless Crusade To Wisconsin

Illustration for article titled Personhood Advocates Take Hopeless Crusade To Wisconsin

Less than a month off of their monumental failure in Mississippi, people who want the legal definition of "person" to be changed to include zygotes have decided that their next great battleground is The Badger State. This is a stupid idea that will never work.

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According to the Wisconsin State Journal, last week, a Republican state legislator introduced a bill to amend the Wisconsin state constitution to redefine "person" as "every human being at any stage of development." Additionally, the phrase "all people are born equally free and independent" would be changed to "all people are equally free and independent, which removes the pesky need for birth. (I'd love to see a legislator suggest to a women who is 8 months pregnant that the 6 pound fetus living inside her abdomen and siphoning her nutrients is "independent." But I digress!)

The bill's framer, Andre Jaque, says that what's important is that all fetuses are respected, regardless of the circumstances of conception. You hear that, pregnant rape victims? Quit being so selfish!

Like Mississippi's craptacular Initiative 26, the measure would outlaw all abortion in all cases and threaten the legality of some birth control and IVF procedures. And like Mississippi's Initiative 26, this stands a snowball's chance in hell of passing.

The state's constitution is amended via a three step process. In order for cheesehead zygotes to count as "persons," a majority of both houses of the state legislature would have to approve the measure. Then, the measure would have to be voted on again, after the state's next general election, so a presumably new set of legislators would have a look at it. Then and only then would it be put to a popular vote, where it would lose.

Wisconsin may have elected Koch brothers pawn Scott Walker to be governor, but it's also the state that saw hundreds of thousands of people rallying around the State Capitol over several weeks this past winter in protest over loss of collective bargaining rights. It's the state of Paul Ryan, but it's also the state of Tammy Baldwin, one of the most liberal members of the entire House of Representatives and the first openly gay non-incumbent elected to the US House. The state hasn't gone red in a Presidential election since 1984, for Pete's sake.

But by all means keep chasing those windmills, Don Zyxotes.

Anti abrotion lawmakers propose constitutional amendment to extend personhood to embryos [Wisconsin State Journal]

DISCUSSION

kyosuke
Kat Callahan

ZYGOTES FORM PERSONHOOD SUPER-PAC

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Fertilized embryos 195B and 76A, known as the less than popular zygotes from "Revenge of the Fetuses," are declaring political war on the Roe v. Wade decision and women. The top priority of PERSONHOOD PAC, formed on November 23, 2011, is to recruit and support conservative candidates who will run on an agenda declaring fertilized embryos to get all the protections usually associated with people. Except passports, because, you know, that's just crazy.

Says 195B, "The zygote community has been deceived into believing that just because we don't have complex neural pathways, we are not people." The Zygotes' strategy is to have evangelical conservative voters fill out "Personhood Amendments," picket state legislatures, and vote their Christian values. Since, you know, zygotes don't have developed hands and cannot do the paperwork or hold the signs. "These current liberal leaders are out of touch with the unborn. It is time to vote them out."

76A says the time has ended when women can make decisions about their reproductive organs without consulting zygotes. It says, "We must demand that representatives of our communities start respecting the values of the zygotes who don't elect them, because we can't, but who we totally would if we could manage to fill out voter registration forms. PERSONHOOD PAC has been formed to make sure that happens."