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People We Wish We Hadn't Slept With

Illustration for article titled People We Wish We Hadnt Slept With

"No Regrets" is a lovely policy to uphold re: sex-having. But, sometimes, we have regrets anyway. Often there were warning signs; red flags we should've noticed. Here is a completely arbitrary crowd-sourced list of people/entire demographics we wish we hadn't boned.

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  • Uncaged ferret owners
  • Teenagers
  • Dudes who write theses on Heidegger
  • Guy who had circa-1999 Johnny Rzeznik's haircut in 2010
  • "We both had boyfriends"
  • Bob Marley tapestry owners
  • People who listen to Christian metal and sing along in the car
  • Still uses fraternity/sorority nickname
  • Bronies
  • Still doesn't have curtains on his bedroom window
  • Got in very loud screaming fight with cab driver
  • Makes student films about gangsters
  • Inexplicably owns cherry-flavored lube
  • Wears non-prescription glasses
  • Called his house "The Batcave"
  • Was my boss
  • People who nickname their genitals
  • "There are certain male authors who, while their works are not bad per se, they, through maybe no fault of their own, attract a male fanbase that is disproportionately douchey. If a guy is obsessed with David Foster Wallace, Kurt Vonnegut, John Updike, Philip Roth, or Richard Brautigan, I consider that a red flag. Jonathan Franzen is borderline. Chuck Palahniuk is part of this group, only unlike the aforementioned, his writing is genuinely awful. (I wonder if this also works for women and female authors? If I were a guy I might not want to fuck a woman who was an obsessive fan of, I don't know, Jane Smiley?)"
  • Owned a tanning salon
  • Wore a white beret
  • Rude to servers/doesn't tip
  • White kid in his parents' penthouse on Central Park West with waist-length hair wearing African tribal pants because he was "really into Nigeria"
  • Guy whose fantasy was to bone a girl on a washing machine wearing hockey gear. All hockey gear, not like "while a stick rests nearby"; the whole getup.
  • "Don't have buttsex with your friend's sister"

You're welcome.

Any additions to the list? Do tell.

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DISCUSSION

Confession: I recently named one of my boobs. The left one. It's name is Bobby Hill. Because it is always trying to peek out of my bra or shirt or bikini top, and I'm always catching it misbehaving, like, dangit, Bobby!