People Shouldn't Get Swole Because If We Need to Eat Them in a Donner Party Situation They'll Taste Bad

Illustration for article titled People Shouldn't Get Swole Because If We Need to Eat Them in a Donner Party Situation They'll Taste Bad
Image: Getty

On Monday, the Jezebel staff was startled to learn that actor Kumail Nanjiani was swole, fit, extremely jacked. “I never thought I’d be one of those people who would post a thirsty shirtless, but I’ve worked way too hard for way too long so here we are,” he wrote in an embarrassingly earnest Instagram caption posted with a photo of his new abs, in which he credits some trainers and people who’ve helped him.


Nanjiani, who has played a schlubby comedian in The Big Sick and a schlubby tech bro in Silicon Valley, is undergoing this makeover to star in the forthcoming Marvel comics movie The Eternals. Which is great for him! Seriously, do you, bro. But I do have some larger concerns about what happens when a Normal Man becomes a staggeringly Jacked Man, a growing phenomenon in Hollywood (see: Chris Pratt, Jon Krasinski) but also in real life as everyone is suddenly latching onto wellness culture and heading to CrossFit and doing Keto and bulking the fuck up. My concern is that people won’t taste good in the event that we must eat their bodies in a Donner Party situation.

Let’s say you find yourself in such a situation (and don’t give me that shit about “never me.” Stay humble, please) and suddenly you have to eat your brethren, assuming they’re already dead and it’s totally ethical, as close to ethical human-eating can be? Similarly, what if our world goes the way of The Road and, again, you gotta eat people. You don’t want to think about it, but who would taste good in this situation? NOT jacked folks who are all lean muscle, I assume.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Wait, if you’re telling me people shouldn’t get swole because they’d taste bad, that is exactly why I’d get swole, so that people would be less inclined to eat me.”

True, but you can’t cheat death, and you can’t cheat your body being cannibalized in a dark, dystopian future in which you were simply too weak to survive. Hope that helps :)

Hazel Cills is the Pop Culture Reporter at Jezebel. Her writing has been published by outlets including The Los Angeles Times, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, The New York Times Magazine, ELLE, and more.



Good for him if it makes him happy, but ugh... I’m not into this at all. Not that he or anyone else really cares what I think, because that shouldn’t be the point of fitness, obviously. But I’m much more attracted to someone who seems kind, intelligent, funny, and fairly comfortable in their own skin, regardless of what that looks like exactly. It’s just a turn off for me when someone seems obsessed with their physical appearance/attaining physical perfection, because I think there are much more important areas in life in which we could spend our energy and attention.**

My ex husband looked a lot like this. He was super fit and into body building, and it was a total drag for me to live with someone who had such overwhelmingly strict dietary and workout habits. Everything in his life seemed to revolve around attaining gains at the gym, all in pursuit of physical perfection. I’m assuming that for some, achieving a body like this would be easier than for others, but for my ex, it required following a strict schedule of working out 6-7 days a week with no exceptions (which meant he was in bed by 8 pm in order to hit the gym at 5 am), eating an ultra restrictive diet that also included supplemental protein shakes and snacks at scheduled intervals, and frequently checking his physique in the mirror, continually assessing his “problem areas” to the extent that he seemed perpetually unhappy with his appearance. No doubt in my mind he had a form of body dysmorphia. No thanks.

**FWIW, I’m not trying to suggest that I’m “deeper than this,” or anything like that. It’s just a personal turn off, especially when appearance begins to dominate a person’s thoughts and lifestyle. Also, I used have an eating disorder and was addicted to working out (running, biking and lifting) for many years, so it’s a bit triggering for me now to be around people who are workout obsessed. And now that I’m in my mid 40s, I’m disabled because my body is broken down from debilitating arthritis and spinal issues. Everything in moderation, folks.