People Petition McDonald’s to Ruin Vegetables Just Like It Ruined Beef

Illustration for article titled People Petition McDonald’s to Ruin Vegetables Just Like It Ruined Beef

Vegetarians all over these United States have turned out by the metaphorical wagonload to take a stand and sign a petition that could radically change the way Americans consume food: McDonald's should add a "meatless protein-centric option" to its menu.


The petition (started by wellness writer/activist Kathy Freston) has already garnered over 87,000 signatures, which proves (sort of) that Americans are more health conscious, or at least willing to make note of the fact that they're more health conscious because they want McDonald's to make a veggie burger out of corn cobs,old lima bean shells, and 100 percent pure kale [trimmings, mixed with a sand and sawdust additive to kill all the bacteria].

McDonald's actually already offers a veggie burger in India, and, for once, trails Burger King, whose veggie burger is already languishing as that one item on the drive-thru menu that no sane fast food patron would ever consider ordering because, honestly, why even bother at that point? If you've already dragged yourself to a fast food place, you've no doubt come to terms with the fact that you're about to put hot garbage in your mouth. Hot, delicious garbage. Are there really lots of ethical vegetarians clamoring for McDonald's to offer a cheap, non-meat protein option? Does America really need another shitty sandwich item to palliate its heightened state of health consciousness?


And, lest we forget, McDonald's has gone down the veggie burger path before. Nobody was into it, maybe because vegetarians don't make a habit of eating at places that, however many non-meat options they offer, are responsible for the rise in meat consumption and shitty farming practices.

Image via AP

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Clearly you aren't a vegetarian who has taken lots of road trips. There are rest stops where the only real option is McDonald's, and you end up getting fries and a soda and pretending it's actually a meal. It would be nice to have another option. (By the way, the Burger King veggie burger is just a Morningstar Farms patty, not some gross frankenvegetable patty concocted by Burger King. It's a thing lots of vegetarians already consume, only cooked and assembled in a fast food restaurant, with the option of ordering rubbery onion rings on the side. And a Hershey pie. Always a Hershey pie.)

I don't think it's a terrible idea at all, from a business perspective. Look at Taco Bell, which offers vegetarian options (and will happily vegetarianize their non-veggie options when asked), they are a go-to place for vegetarians looking for a garbage snack. (Not all vegetarians want to eat kale at every meal. Sometimes we want drive-thru garbage like any other red-blooded American.) Plus, McDonald's already offers successful veggie options in other countries, why not try here? God forbid vegetarians ask for vegetarian options to spend their dollars on! It's like we actually think our dollars are worth something and deserve to be accommodated by restaurants that theoretically should welcome our business. Such entitled little bastards, us vegetarians!