People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020

Illustration for article titled People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020
Image: Netflix

In my nearly three years at Jezebel, I seem to have developed a reputation for unpopular opinions: Pringles are garbage, Skittles are trash, Mindhunter was good, actually. This tendency toward brave and unconventional thinking at times applies to the people I find attractive, which has
elicited the following reactions on work Slack.

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Illustration for article titled People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020
Screenshot: Slack
Illustration for article titled People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020
Screenshot: Slack
Illustration for article titled People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020
Screenshot: Slack

It was never my intention to be Jezebel’s chaos agent, but now that I am, I wear the title with pride. And to keep the brand strong, I’ve been persuaded by my editors and colleagues to procure a shortlist of people (and, I suppose, things) I was weirdly horny for in 2020. If this doesn’t justify putting me in the front of the line for a covid-19 vaccine, I don’t know what will.

Dudley Dursely In The Queen’s Gambit

Illustration for article titled People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020
Screenshot: Netflix
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This actor has a real name, and it’s Harry Melling. But I’m not calling him that. He’s Dudley Dursley, because he played Dudley Dursley in the Harry Potter movie franchise. And you know what else? He’s fucking cute! Maybe it’s just because his character in Netflix’s The Queen’s Gambit was very sweet and sincere, or maybe I’m just impressed by his glow up, but I think he looked good! Most of my co-workers and friends did not seem to fuck with the vision, but I’m happy that my colleague Emily Alford had my back.

“Dudley is hot in queens gambit dont you dare let anyone tell you hes not,” she messaged me. She also noted that Dudley’s eyes are so close together and Gambit star’s Anya Taylor-Joy’s are so far apart that their children would have eyes that are the perfect distance apart. True!

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Man-Ray

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Look, I know, I know, this is literally a character from Spongebob Squarepants, but hear me out... the thighs are good. Like, there’s a dude under there, right? He’s not a fish. This is not The Shape of Water, lads. Fish don’t have biceps like that. The OP is right, he’s fine, and as my friends and colleagues pointed out the top of his little mask could be useful.

Maybe I deserve the constant shame I receive.

Chris Rock’s Mustache In Season 4 of Fargo

Illustration for article titled People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020
Screenshot: FX
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Season 4 of Fargo (or, as I like to call it, Black!Fargo) seemed to be hit or miss for most loyal viewers of the anthology series. Okay, sure, but I don’t care about all that. I care about how attracted I was to Ben Whishaw as a sad Irish gangster and Chris Rock’s mustache. Like... Rock is pretty handsome no matter what but something about the facial hair on him just hits. I don’t know, I couldn’t stop staring at it. It was easier to watch than him attempting (with varying levels of success) to portray a terrifying gang leader.

That Dude From @SidetalkNYC Who Is Basically Timothee Chalamet’s Clone But Cuter?

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Living in New York City has been rough during the pandemic, and I’ve barely been able to visit some of my favorite spots, see my favorite people, or enjoy the banality of subway dancers on the regular. So SidetalkNYC has been an incredible look into the crazy-ass shit that continues to go on in the city, and its host is... really cute. But it’s weird because the dude is like Timothee Chalamet’s clone. I know that Chalamet is a divisive figure in the horndog universe, but I for one like that he looks like a sickly Victorian man. His doppelganger, an NYU student named Trent Simonian, is like if a sickly Victorian man version of Timothee got a healthy tan.

But I’m 30 years old now, so am I allowed to call a college sophomore hot or will that get me canceled?

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Spidercuz

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Spidercuz is the best thing to emerge from New York City’s pandemic this year. Period. Point blank. He’s fucking hilarious and I honestly Would, Spider-man costume and all. Fuck Batman. (But also... I’d fuck him too.)

Tyler Perry In This One Photo

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Like........... when did this happen?! He needs to put that wig back on, I don’t know how I feel about this, especially knowing that Perry would definitely condemn me to a life of misery if I were ever a character in one of his movies.

Mitt Romney

Illustration for article titled People (and Things) I Was Inexplicably Horny For in 2020
Image: Rick Bowmer (AP)
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This is a constant source of shame for me and I will not elaborate further. I’ve said my piece.

Staff writer, mint chocolate hater.

DISCUSSION

glitterpussy
Glitterpussy

Girl. I’ve met Mitt in person a few times. He really is hot. And very nice and so is his wife. He’s like, in between actual, real-person nice and politician nice.

Anyway. Obviously he’s 99% terrible but here we are.