Well, I heard that you—a female peacock just looking for a little prosecco, or maybe a nice rosé—got into a little trouble down at the local liquor store this week!


Yes, the Associated Press told me all about it. Said you:

strutted into the open door of the Royal Oaks Liquor Store in Arcadia on Monday. Store manager and college senior Rani Ghanem said he didn’t even know it was there until a customer walked in and asked him about “el pollo,” Spanish for “the chicken.”


Granted, it was excessive of him to call animal control on a girl who just wanted to really linger over her options. But that was no excuse to trash the place, which is what I heard you did:

“He was trying to get it with the fishing net, and (the bird) jumped on the first wine bottle. When that happened, I was like, ‘Aw, this is about to be a big mess,’ ” Ghanem said. “He tried to get it again with the net ... It just went straight diving into all the bottles. The more he kept on trying to use the net, the more it kept on flapping its wings and knocking everything over.”

Five hundred dollars’ worth of broken liquor bottles! My God, what are you, a sophomore frat boy? We’re adult professionals now.

Next time just go down to Trader Joe’s and get you some of that canned sparkling wine. The place is already so wild at rush-hour that there is, ironically, much less risk of landing on the nightly CBS 2 broadcast. It’s too early in the summer to go that hard.

Senior Editor, Attic Haunter, Jezebel

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A female is a Peahen.

Cock = male.