Paula Deen's Seashell-Laden Home Can Be Yours for Just $13 Million

Maybe I’ve been living under a rock—entirely plausible; Boston’s winter was pretty shitty—but I had absolutely no idea that Paula Deen had been pulling in the kind of dough required to own a 28,000-square foot house. Which is now on the market. For $13 million.

To be fair: it’s not a house—it’s a motherfucking estate. Replete with the following, according to The Hollywood Reporter:

• A swimming pool (duh)

• With a dive-in theater (which I thought was a typo for ‘drive-in theater’ until I Googled ‘dive-in theater’ and saw that it’s something that’s typically offered by large, public venues with Olympic-sized pools)

• A pond (in case the pool gets icky)

• An outdoor kitchen (because cooking outside is pretty dope)

• Two guest cottages (what kind of loser only has one guest cottage?)

• An eight-car garage (no word on what kinds of cars fill those spots currently)

• A dock house (I had to Google that, too)

• Eight bedrooms (one car for each)

• Eight point five bathrooms (same)

• A shit ton of seashells used as decor that I don’t think will come with the house once it sells but when I Googled ‘Paula Deen, seashells’ to see what the deal was, all I got was this recipe and the distinct feeling that I’m missing something

Also pictured in the real estate listing are some pretty sweet-looking poolside cabanas that are bigger than five out of the last nine apartments I’ve lived in.