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Patriotic Ted Cruz Rap Song is Just as Hilariously Bad As You'd Expect

Illustration for article titled Patriotic Ted Cruz Rap Song is Just as Hilariously Bad As Youd Expect

A Christian, uh, hip-hop group called We Are Watchmen has made a song for Ted Cruz. It involves metaphors about “the Reds” and the chorus “Set it on fire,” which, fittingly, sounds a lot like “Kill it with fire.” Let’s just... dive right into this listening experience.

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Here’s the song, which we saw via the Daily Intel:

Some lyrics, in case you find yourself sidetracked and somehow unable to get through the whole thing:

It’s like we’re back in the late seventies, labor force is dead, emboldened enemies

Can you hear the voice of Reagan saying the fed is not the remedy

The banner’s in the air for the conservative ascendency

Oh, word?

The true solution is

Return to the roots of our Constitution

Remove this monster boot off the neck of our sovereign union

Select Ted Cruz and let’s get through this, the movement

Reignite the promise

If you’re conservative, then prove it

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. The Jezebel staff has been struck nearly dumb with either awe or exquisite vicarious embarassment:

Illustration for article titled Patriotic Ted Cruz Rap Song is Just as Hilariously Bad As Youd Expect
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There’s a lot to dissect here: does the Soviet Union (“reds”) pose quite the threat the Watchmen seem to believe, given that the USSR dissolved in 1991? Why might lead vocalist Joe Salant, who comes from an affluent New Jersey family, affect the black American vernacular when he’s rapping? (Is he seized by the spirit?) How, physically, does one “put our hands up on the granite and grind for righteousness” without falling over? Is Ted Cruz merely Christlike or in fact a Christ figure himself? I mean... Cruz. Whoa.

Lots to think about here, gang. Kick back with another meditative rap from the Watchmen bros, this one about “wicked liberals,” abortion, Billy Graham, Sodom and Gomorrah, and the “rotten scam” of secular humanism:


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.
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DISCUSSION

robgronkowskispartybusdriver
RobGronkowski'sPartyBusDriver

We Are Watchmen

Oh God I hope this dosen’t mean we’re going to have to look at Ted Cruz’s giant blue penis