Image: Getty

Paris Hilton survived near-unspeakable tragedy on Thursday evening when a large chunk of Paris Hilton’s fiancé’s net worth (or $2 million sponcon deal?) reportedly flew off Paris Hilton’s ring finger. Its brief disappearance incited hysteria, terror, shock, tears, fear, grief and euphoria when it was finally retrieved from a nearby ice bucket by what Page Six describes as an “army of security” led by Paris Hilton’s fiancé. (I’m just reporting the news). A witness told Page Six:

Security started an exhaustive search of the VIP area with torches, led by Chris and with the help of other patrons. There was a frantic scramble with everyone looking for it, people were crawling on the floor, under tables, under other people’s feet, and under seats. Miraculously they found the ring in an ice bucket two tables down.

In a follow-up interview, Hilton confirmed that she was “devastated.”

Thank God by some miracle my fiancé found it before someone else did and most likely would not have returned it. I am so lucky! Thank goodness I have amazing karma!

The Lord is mighty and also works for Paris Hilton.

As of press time, Paris Hilton appears to be alive and in good health.

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It seems that Christina Aguilera has indirectly outed her ex, telling the cast of “RuPaul’s Drag Race: Untucked” that *an* ex-boyfriend who was the subject of *a* song which she has previously said is about *Jorge Santos* “played for your team, not mine.”

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Cher documents her journey to the March for Our Lives on a private jet because she’s ready. But is the March for Our Lives ready for Cher???

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