Parents Now Expected to Need Loans For Kids' Preschool

By Erin Gloria Ryan | August 6, 2013 | 12:30am

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Great idea alert! New York City mayoral candidate Christine Quinn would like to make education affordable to all, and thus wants to give upper middle class Manhattan parents the right to take out subsidized loans in order to pay for their children’s pre-kindergarten & oh my god what even is this dumb country we live in where people are essentially required to incur debt if they want their child to have any class mobility at all & JESUS CHRIST the blinking green light at the end of the Buchanan’s dock is actually the dream of pre-kindergarten & let’s all move to Canada & I give up.

According to the New York Observer, Quinn’s proposal would give Manhattan parents who make between $80,000 and $200,000 per year the opportunity to apply for up to $11,000 in loans to be applied to their pre-literate offspring’s all-important Block Stacking education. Because otherwise your kid will never go to Harvard and their life is RUINED.

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Participants in the program would have to be of sound credit and meet other criteria as well. More from the Observer,

“Early childhood education is one of the most important investments a parent can make,” said Ms. Quinn in a statement about the program. “But too often, quality child care is out of reach for middle class families. The Middle Class Child Care Loan Initiative is a smart program that will help parents pay for child care and give New York City’s next generation a jump start on their education.”

Early childhood education is one of the most important investments a parent can make.

EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT INVESTMENTS A PARENT CAN MAKE. You know, right after music lessons and sports camp and elementary school and tutors and private middle school and health care and brain enhancing toys and private high school and very, very expensive college and perhaps, if you have a daughter, you should start saving right now for egg harvesting when she turns 23 so she can be sure that when she’s worked 100 hours weeks for 15 years to pay off all that essential debt she’s been crushed under for her own good and then she wants to get pregnant and start the whole financial institution indebtedness cycle all over again with a child of her own she will have the freshest, most vibrant eggs implanted into her withered, aging baby basket. America.

Is humanity being priced out of reproduction? What the fuck is this? I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: if $200,000 per year — albeit in one of the most expensive cities in the world— is not enough to sufficiently raise a child why would any thinking middle class person think having a child was an economically sound decision? If private preschool is such an essential piece of a child’s future success, then why is it something so exorbitantly expensive that parents have to incur debt to be able to afford it?

(Hangs crudely drawn CLOSED FOR THE SEASON sign on ovaries)

(Loudly and rapidly pulls down cage over cervix. Secures cage with comically large padlock)

(Sound of heels rapidly clicking after woman runs out of frame)

(Car door slams)

(Sound of engine revving.)

(Cut to shot of car driving past “YOU ARE NOW LEAVING PARENTVILLE” sign)

(Credits)

[Observer]