Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Paranoid Dude Seeks Lady To Spy On His Potential Fiancée

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Is this post for real? We're kinda hoping not...but let's say it is, in fact, a verifiable Crap Posting From A Dude:

The posting, which went up at 9:39 AM this morning and is headed "Spy Needed. Females only please. (Lower East Side)" reads as follows:

There will be a speed dating event, and I am worried my soon to be fiance will be attending. I'm not the jealous type that normally does this, but since I'm about to take a big step of giving her a ring, I need to make sure. Your job will simply be to stand in front of this restaurant and look for her arrival. That's it. IF you can get inside and get a snapshot of her in the act of "speed dating" I would pay an extra $50.
Offering $85 for this because it should not take you more than 1 hour. The location and time will be disclosed to you.

Lame prank? Actual psycho? Either way, I'm eager for a chance to fulfill my gumshoe aspirations! I propose this as a response:

Dear Sir,

Pursuant of your posting of 15 June, I extend the following offer of assistance. I am, as specified in your so-charming ad, a female of good character and some experience in the art of subterfuge. I can also use $85 bucks and have nothing better to do than stand around in front of a restaurant for an hour on the lookout for your girlfriend. There are, of course, practical considerations. You mention that location and time will be disclosed; presumably you'll also share a variety of photographs of the lady in question, showcasing a range of hairstyles and modes of dress, so as to avoid any confusion occasioned by the disguise she will obviously be wearing. Should the surveillance run over an hour, will I be compensated accordingly? Similarly, I presume you will cover any incidental expenses such as travel, film development, the drink or door-fee necessary to obtain entry?

Other questions: um, if your ladyfriend is feeling restless, what makes you think she'll cheat on you via a...speed-dating event? Given that you have a specific "location and time" in mind, and if you're so sure she's hitting this LES event, why not just station yourself behind a tree or something? If you have some reason to believe she's gonna be there, are you positive she's not winging, a la 40-Year-Old-Virgin? (We women are supportive that way! When people don't hate our sex.) Why are you proposing to someone you think is exploring her options in such an organized and public fashion and whom you obviously don't trust? Is this woman actually your "girlfriend?" Okay, but does she know that? If she's got a wandering eye, what makes you think she isn't on CraigsList right now searching for singles, and might not want to make a quick $85, leading to hilarious, "If You Like Pina Coladas"-style misadventures? Why is "speed-dating" in sneer quotes? Are you aware this posting makes you look crazy? What makes you think any woman who answers this ad won't tip off your purported girlfriend to the fact that she's dating a total paranoid psycho who, by the way, thinks he has only to ask and she'll become his fiancée, the female form of which is, incidentally, customarily spelled with two e's?

If, sir, you can answer these questions, I see no reason why we should not move ahead with this matter in a manner satisfactory to all parties.

I remain, Sir,

Your humble servant,