On Wednesday night, celebrity gossip columnist extraordinaire and legendary Manhattanite Cindy Adams published a piece titled “Even Cindy Adams can’t stand Verizon.” Though her Page Six column typically covers the innumerable sightings and interactions she has with celebrities in New York City, this particular installment begins not with an anecdote about rubbing elbows with a famous actor downtown, but with a complaint about a very powerful telecommunications company whose services she has the misfortune of being contractually bound to.
“No column to write because no information to impart because no phones that work,” she writes in her trademark staccato, before detailing her problems with continued lyricism. “Answer a ringtone. Nothing on it. Make a phone call. No dial tone. Five phone lines, for which we are billed, do not work. None work. None. Not one. They might for a moment, then not again.”
For a further 281 words, Adams complains that Verizon’s incompetence made her unable to be reached by “our mayor, governor, cardinal, senators, congresspeople, [and] White House” (she’s friends with Trump, you know), and that even a call to Verizon’s chairman, Lowell C. McAdam, was unanswered. Fios is unreliable, she writes, and its installation leads to “redecorating, repainting, replastering, redoing...at the owner’s expense.”
Though it is indeed strange that Adams spent the first two-thirds of her gossip column complaining about Verizon (even going so far as suggesting subscribers quit paying their bills), what’s stranger is that she’s done this before. In fact, her last Verizon rant was one year ago today.
In a column from April 13, 2016 titled “Where has Kevin Costner been? (which she briefly alludes to in this week’s complaint), Adams transitions from a quick item detailing new Broadway premieres to a three-part diatribe about the dreaded Verizon. (Parts 1-3 are named “Rings Hollow,” “Lines stay dead,” and “What to do?”) I have a clear memory of laughing at this piece last year, particularly the wildly relatable lines, “Nothing happens. Nothing rings. Nothing connects.”
After reading them both back to back, I was struck by the similarities. Her hatred for the company has neither waned nor evolved, and it’s a joy to behold.
Cindy Adams - April 13, 2016:
I have five phone lines. None work. None. Not one.
Cindy Adams - April 12, 2017:
Five phone lines, for which we are billed, do not work. None work. None. Not one.
Cindy Adams - April 13, 2016:
People think something’s wrong with me that I continually tolerate such abuse.
Cindy Adams - April 12, 2017:
People think something’s wrong with me that I tolerate such abuse.
Cindy Adams - April 13, 2016:
Each delivers some specious, trumped-up, unbelievable excuse. Like: “A truck’s parked on top of where the lines connect and won’t move for several hours.” Really? Months later, same truck in that same spot and same won’t move?
Cindy Adams - April 12, 2017:
Each repairer gives assorted specious answers: “Can’t get there. A truck’s parked where lines connect.” Really? Months later same truck, same spot, same won’t move? Now: “Verizon’s working on the problem.” They named the exact spot. We checked. No Verizon truck there.
Cindy Adams - April 13, 2016:
They plaster signs everywhere advertising fiber optics. This presents different problems. Forcing you into Fios means trashing homes. The wiring is not via one socket, but snakes through rooms, silken walls, carved mouldings. I’ve seen it in other destroyed homes. And Verizon does not reimburse for damage.
Cindy Adams - April 12, 2017:
The company peppers areas with ads praising Fios, yet Fios grinds through a decorated home’s walls and halls. Your whole place requires rewiring. Damage — mess, redecorating, repainting, replastering, redoing — all at the owner’s expense. Despite company denials, I can supply many to testify this is so.
Cindy Adams - April 13, 2016:
An East Side jeweler says Verizon’s destroying his business. A dermatologist claims it’s ruining him. An entire corridor decimated because of this monopoly? Is some government agency unable to tame this monster?
Cindy Adams - April 12, 2017:
One jewelry store said Verizon’s hurting their business. One dermatologist claims it’s ruining him. One dressmaker complained it’s losing her clients. I possess a sheaf of complaints.
Cindy Adams - April 13, 2016:
I have endured them and their unceasing lies for six months. Suffering such abuse, may none of us pay our bill.
Cindy Adams - April 12, 2017:
Listen, if our lines stay dead, maybe our checkbooks should also.
Good luck out there, Cindy. Hope you get this resolved by next April.