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Our scene begins amid the bustling outdoor tables of a Parisian café. Our characters, M. France le premier et M. France la deuxième, no relation, are about to find out that millions of bottles of purportedly French rosé were discovered to have contained a cheaper Spanish version of the pale, pink wine, per The Guardian’s reporting.

M. FRANCE LE PREMIER: Shall we grab a table outside?

M. FRANCE LA DEUXI√ąME, NO RELATION: Yes. We shall.

MFLP: How about this hideous girl?

(M. France le premier gestures derisively at a normal table.)

MFLDNR: Yes. This one. We shall sit on her quoi.

(Five minutes of silence pass.)

MFLP: Ah, a beautiful day to live in this country, ce country right here, which is France.

MFLDNR: Beautiful, indeed. As beautiful as the époque.

MFLP: A reference we both get.

MFLDNR: Of course quoi.

(Three more minutes of silence pass.)

MFLP: How is your family? Your family qui lives in les banlieues.

MFLDNR: Why, M. France, I already told you how they’re doing pendant que we walked over here.

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MFLP: Ah, yes of course.

MFLDNR: So, there’s no need to discuss it now.

MFLP: No, of course not. We would gain nothing from it, the two of us, having that conversation again here. Alone. By ourselves.

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MFLDNR: Nothing at all.

(Four more minutes of silence pass.)

MFLP: Ah, bon.

(M. France le premier removes a boxed pie from his briefcase. He unboxes the pie, stands up, and places the pie on his seat. He sits on the pie. M. France la deuxième, no relation, bursts out laughing.)

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MFLDNR: Juste comme Jim Carrey!

(M. France le premier smiles.)

MFLP: Did Iiiiiii do that?

MFLDNR: It is that which has made me laugh, this droll thing you have done there.

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(M. France la deuxième, no relation, continues to laugh. He is interrupted by the sound of a push notification emanating from his phone. He reaches into his right pants pocket and pulls out a Samsung Galaxy J3 customized with a scratched-up Brice de Nice phone case. He looks down at his phone.) 

MFLDNR: Ah!

MFLP: Wha?

(M. France la deuxième, no relation, holds out his phone, screen first, so that M. France le premier.) 

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MFLP: Ah!

MFLDNR: Ouais.

MFLP: Spain has been playing the fox!

MFLDNR: Can you beliève?

MFLP: Passing off that boiled worm semen que they call rosé as if it were our own.

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MFLDNR: My wretched wife drinks that rosé!

MFLP: My feeble-minded Geneviève! My cursèd Janquèsparre!

MFLDNR: It is an insult to my family and an insult to my character.

MFLP: It is an insult to my father, the country of France.

MFLDNR: Moi, I will never recover quoi.