Who ever said Oscars gift bags were manifestations of absurd extravagance? This year, they include toilet paper, that old household staple. It comes from Joseph’s Toiletries and costs $275, and surely all the hottest celebs will be using it after they cash in their free burrito offer at Chipotle.

The gift bags will also include a variety of other goodies not typically used for wiping asses: “$300 worth of personalized M&Ms, a $250 vaporizer, and $45,000 worth of Audi rentals from Silvercar, which is well over the average cost of a new car.” Nominees will also have the opportunity to take “a $55,000 10-day first-class trip to Israel and a $45,000 15-day walking tour of Japan.”


Nominees will also be encouraged to keep up appearances with a “$1,900 Vampire Breast Lift” which—in the interest of keeping it natural—“uses a person’s own blood to rejuvenate the skin.” Gwyneth Paltrow and the GOOP crew must especially approve of this item; they have already approved of the toilet paper.

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