The Oscars Swag Bag Was $137,000 Worth of the Weirdest Gifts Known to Man

The 28 people who receive these gifts are celebrities, so you might think that the arms they already have are, by definition, celebrity arms. But nope! They won’t truly be celebrity limbs until plastic surgeon Dr. Tomas Su sucks $6,000 worth of fat out of each of them. Judging by his office’s instagram account, Oscar nominees don’t need to stop at their arms—they can turn to ArtLipo plastic surgery for all of their liposuction needs. The office even does cankles, which I believe is the medical term.

Unwilling merely to suggest that the nominees are fat, Distinctive Assets created a swag bag that also implies that they’re old and ugly. Included in the bag is $10,000 worth of “treatments and rejuvenation” from a surgeon who specializes in anti-aging and who offers enticing sounding procedures like “vampire facials.” Is there where your brain bleeds out of your ears? Because that is what’s happening to me right now.

This is a pretty solid, normal present. But one rule I believe in is that, when possible, you should avoid giving people gifts that are also work. And while most of us have a room in our living space we’d like to see redone, the actual process of researching, selecting, and planning the installation of a new interior is, unfortunately, work. It’s work that most of these rich people can pawn off to their army of assistants, but it’s work nonetheless. (Note to anyone thinking of giving me a multi-thousand reno gift card: I am not a stickler when it comes to my own gifting rules.)

According to Forbes, a full kitchen upgrade costs around $25,000, so the few people on the gift list who don’t already have the latest and greatest in interior design can finally get that kitchen island of their dreams. But the company donating this remodel is based in LA, so it’s unclear how people like Ryusuke Hamaguchi or Olivia Colman, who don’t appear to have California pads, would be able to cash in their cabinetry coupons.

According to its synopsis, The Wizard’s Wish is about a “kindly wizard” who teaches the members of a village how to make “yucky” feelings go away by practicing an Emotional Freedom Technique also known as “tapping,” which is apparently an acupressure-based therapy practice. The book is written by self-described “abundance coach” Brad Yates, who, shocker, is available for private sessions. If this all sounds rather woo-like, EFT actually appears to be on the more researched-based end of the gift bag’s therapeutic offerings.

“Visit Scotland”—always one of the major takeaways from Macbeth. Inspired by Joel Coen’s The Tragedy of Macbeth, nominees get to take over the entirety of a Scottish castle for a three-night stay. The trip comes with butler service and a bagpiper, which is exactly the instrument everyone wants to hear blasted at them during a restful holiday.

According to Joseph’s website, she was diagnosed with cancer and Chronic Lyme disease at age 22. She turned to a “holistic practitioner” who told her that her body was made from energy, and that if she “couldn’t heal my illness on the physical plane, [I] likely could heal it on a spiritual, mental, or emotional level and regain my full physical capacity.” Six months after that fateful encounter, she was “100% cured.”

Now she offers coaching and therapy that draws on her study of “neuroscience, quantum science, and metaphysics.” Because extremely wealthy celebrities getting free trips to Scotland definitely need coaching from this woman on how to get better lives.

A 4-day stay at a fancy spa is technically, I suppose, a good gift. The offerings at the Golden Door just all seem a bit healthy for my taste. However, if you’re the kind of person whose definition of a good time doesn’t include alcohol, nicotine, salt, or butter, this could be the vacation for you.

Nominees have the chance to learn about the “9 Step Self Love Process” developed by a lady who calls herself “Shaman Nicola.” Steps include, “Me validating me, me seeing me, me mothering me, me being there for me”—all things actors and Hollywood types are known to find very difficult.

Also included in the swag bag is Serena Williams’ kids’ doll, Qai Qai. Moving along.

If any of the nominees really love Scotland, this is the gift bag for them.

For as little as $225, the company Highland Titles will sell you a 100-square foot plot of land as well as the chance to call yourself a Lord or Lady of Glencoe—phrases that they’ve trademarked, of course. The land itself is part of a nature reserve, and the whole process sounds a bit like naming a star after yourself. Now the Oscar nominees can experience the beauty of getting a piece of paper in the mail, for free, and demanding that we address them as Lordy McLordington.

My Jezebel colleagues pointed out that one grumpy Scottish politician really wants Hollywood’s A-List to know that this gift doesn’t mean they can fly in thinking they own the place. “First and foremost, you are not the owner of any land in Scotland despite what this company might have led you to believe,” wrote former parliament member Andy Wightman in an open letter. “You have also not been given any right to style yourself Lord or Lady of Glencoe. Highland Titles has no authority or power to bestow such a title on you.”

Easily the best gift on the list. It’s on theme (movies, popcorn), low effort, and a sure crowd pleaser. The folks at Opopop have found a way to make microwavable popcorn appear slightly fancy, what with the pop-up bowl. Best of all, eating popcorn on the couch doesn’t involve taking any strenuous trips to drafty castles or health farms, or meeting any weird gurus.

The gift bag also includes fancy pretzels, brownies, and alcoholic seltzer. The whole thing really should just be food. Give the people (me) what they want!