Oregon Father Steals Daughter's Girl Scout Cookie Earnings for Erotic Massage

Father’s Day is just around the corner, so please enjoy this heartwarming tale of the man who allegedly stole his daughter’s Girl Scout cookie earnings so he could get an erotic massage.

According to the New York Post, 40-year-old Brian Couture of Forest Grove, Oregon, called police in early March claiming his house had been broken into. When they arrived, they found the house basically destroyed, and “spotted blood strewn about the residence.” Couture explained that someone broke into his home and burglarized him, and that in addition to a damaged laptop, around $700 of his daughter’s cookie sale proceeds were missing. Unfortunately for Couture, his story fell apart pretty fast:

Police opened an investigation and “quickly spotted inconsistencies in Couture’s story and began to challenge his account of what happened,” according to cops. He eventually confessed about what really went down.

“Couture told police that he stole the money from his daughter to pay for an erotic massage and faked the robbery when he realized he couldn’t explain the missing funds,” cops said.

A judge imposed a $100 fine, and the full amount of his restitution will be determined later.

That’s all fine and well (sorry, I meant “deeply shitty,”) but my most pressing questions remains: Where the fuck did the blood come from!? KPTV reports that “Couture was unresponsive when police arrived and he was taken to the hospital.” So he stole his kid’s cookie money, got an erotic massage, then knocked himself out? Look, I’ve never been a shitty father or had an erotic massage, but that just doesn’t seem worth it. I hope the forthcoming restitution includes a lifetime of therapy for his daughter, plus however much it costs to buy a new dad.