Opinion: Angelina Jolie's Inner Thigh Tattoo Is The Most Important Mystery Of Our Time

Angelina Jolie has a new tattoo, but she claims it’s “just for Brad.” My neighbor, Helen Peters, supermarket tabloid aficionado/conspiracy theorist, finds all of this fascinating and has written in to share her thoughts on the matter.

Ok, so, let me just start by saying I was already having a bad enough day because I had taken Albert—that’s my dog—out to poop on the same part of the yard he always poops on—okay, admittedly close to the mailboxes—and Alice Fishby from 18B, you know, the one with the green car and the unfortunate haircut, she came over and started screaming and I mean SCREAMING about this poop, like I wasn’t gonna pick it up. Don’t I always pick it up? I always pick it up. Even that time when Albert had the runs from that rawhide that Judy gave him for Christmas! I was down on my knees scooping that crap—excuse my language—into a Stop & Stop bag so I could throw it away, you know, properly dispose of it like the responsible citizen that everyone—except for Alice Fishby, apparently—knows that I am.

So anyway, I’m in a mood. Albert’s upset, you know, he hates yelling, and when you yell at dog after he poops it’s like yelling a child for pooping his diaper and we all know what happens to those children, right? They grow up and kill people and become spies and drug addicts and God knows what else because some stupid person yelled at them for you know, letting nature take its course. What is the matter with people? It’s just poop! And I picked it up! You know? God forbid Alice Fishby have to walk the five feet from her house to the mailbox and encounter nature along the way. You know what she should encounter? 20 minutes and a box of Clairol. She has more roots than a maple tree if you ask me but you know, to each his own, God loves us all the same.

So, anyway, after this all happened, poor Albert shaking like a leaf, I get my mail and I see in one of my magazines, you know how I love my magazines, that Miss Angelina Jolie—I call her Miss because she’s not married but I guess I mean maybe she prefers Ms.? Is that the thing? I don’t know. You could call me Captain Foolface if it meant I got to sleep next to Brad Pitt every night good Lord get out of here, right?! My God, what a beautiful man.

Ok, so she has these tattoos, right? She’s one of those tattoo people? Not for me, I have to say, I don’t think Albert would like it, you know change does not come easily to him, he’s a very sensitive dog, but I digress—she has a new tattoo, okay? And get this. GET THIS! It’s on her inner thigh, which, ah-cha-cha, right? And she won’t tell anyone what it says, because it’s “just for Brad.” Well! How juicy is that little tidbit? Now I called my friend Barbara and I said, “Have you heard about this new tattoo? Just for Brad.” And she said, “I bet it says, F U, Jennifer Anistons.” Can you imagine? Poor Jennifer Anistons! She’s such a pretty girl, isn’t she? She really wants a baby, they say, and you know if I ever met her I’d tell her she could have my son, Kevin, because Lord knows he’s no use to me. No, no. I don’t mean that. Kevin is a, you know, he’s a free spirit. He’s on his own path. With my money. Ha! Kids! You gotta love ’em. I mean, you really do. It’s kind of the law. No, I’m kidding again! You know what? Kevin should marry Jennifer Anistons! She’d set him straight. And my grandchildren would have gorgeous hair which would really stick it to Alice Fishby.

Anyway, this tattoo is a really big deal. If I had Brad Pitt wrapped around my finger and other body parts I won’t talk about because I’m a lady, I’d probably have it say something like, I Love Brad, or Brad’s Girl. Something nice. I don’t think it’s necessary to bring up Jennifer Anistons. You know? Have some class. Don’t bring up old water from the well. Tastes bad for everyone. My friend Barbara says she’d write Open For Business! Can you imagine!? She’s a riot, Barbara. I can’t believe the things that come out of her mouth.

The point I’m trying to make here, and I do have one, I know I ramble but it’s only because I get so excited and then with the whole Albert thing I was just so worked up that day so I have all kinds of emotions to share but you know, it’s good, to talk about things, and get it out so that it becomes water under the bridge and tomorrow’s just a new day, right? What was I saying? Oh! I have a point, yes! My point is that I think whatever this tattoo says is pretty darn important, because it could really be the turning point for Angelina and Brad and maybe even Jennifer Anistons, and you know, I like to mind my own business, but I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep until I find out what it says. Because I care about these people, you know? I really do. I wish them the best. And in return all I ask is that they give me all their secrets. I think that’s fair.

Albert has to go again and it’s getting dark, so I think we’ll go drop a poo right by Alice Fishby’s car and just leave it there for her to step in. No! I’m kidding. You know I always pick it up. Always!