As I type this, my downstairs neighbor is blasting Slayer and concocting something in an outdoor smoker that can only be described as “succulent.” I don’t know what it is, but the smell alone is sending shock waves of hunger and envy through my body in a way that’s borderline erotic.
After multiple reporting trips into my hallway in attempt to better understand the Smell, I’ve decided it’s faintly reminiscent of beef jerky. It’s obviously meat, likely cow or pig, and must involve some sort of dry rub, or a marinade? I would kill for it. I would push everyone I love off of a cliff straight into the mouths of waiting cobras for one bite of whatever my neighbor is making. If that seems over the top, that’s just because you don’t understand, and you never will.
Which brings me to the open thread portion of this jam: What snacks are you making for the Super Bowl? According to experts (hi), the ideal Super Bowl snack contains a combination of cheese (preferably melted), meat (real or fake), and vegetables ONLY as ingredients, by which I mean they may exist solely in a supporting capacity, like cilantro or jalapeños sprinkled in your nachos, tomatoes in your chili, or celery sticks arranged around a pile of wings, later to be thrown into the trash.
If you’re at a loss, Deadspin has some good suggestions, except for the hummus. I assume that was sneaked in in an attempt to broker diplomacy between your greedy mouth and your long-suffering intestines, or to try to make up for the time they encouraged their readers to eat bologna cake.