Vote 2020 graphic
Everything you need to know about and expect during
the most important election of our lifetimes

Open Thread: What the Hell Snacks Are You Making for the Super Bowl?

Horrifying image via screengrab/Deadspin
Horrifying image via screengrab/Deadspin

As I type this, my downstairs neighbor is blasting Slayer and concocting something in an outdoor smoker that can only be described as “succulent.” I don’t know what it is, but the smell alone is sending shock waves of hunger and envy through my body in a way that’s borderline erotic.

Advertisement

After multiple reporting trips into my hallway in attempt to better understand the Smell, I’ve decided it’s faintly reminiscent of beef jerky. It’s obviously meat, likely cow or pig, and must involve some sort of dry rub, or a marinade? I would kill for it. I would push everyone I love off of a cliff straight into the mouths of waiting cobras for one bite of whatever my neighbor is making. If that seems over the top, that’s just because you don’t understand, and you never will.

Which brings me to the open thread portion of this jam: What snacks are you making for the Super Bowl? According to experts (hi), the ideal Super Bowl snack contains a combination of cheese (preferably melted), meat (real or fake), and vegetables ONLY as ingredients, by which I mean they may exist solely in a supporting capacity, like cilantro or jalapeños sprinkled in your nachos, tomatoes in your chili, or celery sticks arranged around a pile of wings, later to be thrown into the trash.

Advertisement

If you’re at a loss, Deadspin has some good suggestions, except for the hummus. I assume that was sneaked in in an attempt to broker diplomacy between your greedy mouth and your long-suffering intestines, or to try to make up for the time they encouraged their readers to eat bologna cake.

Night blogger at Jezebel

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

matisyahuserius
MatisyahuSerious

my wife is making: batter fried chicken wings two ways (korean spice and maple glaze bbq), mini pigs in a blanket (blankets are mini as well), homemade fries, ‘ringed shrimp,’ mini ham salad sandwiches, bbq pork nachos, franco-canadian-iberian tourtière empanadas, be-bouled spinach and artichoke dip, deviled eggs, crudités with two homemade dips, peanut butter chocolate rice krispy treats, frozen chocolate covered bananas, mini devil’s food cake chocolate cupcakes with homemade vanilla icing.

i am making: portion control mistakes, memories