One-Third of British People Are Terrified of Our New Robot Overlords

The poor people of Great Britain, who once conquered nations and ruled an empire of millions, now find themselves quaking in fear over a very real and terrifying threat—robots.

According to a new poll, the once mighty nation now finds itself seized with fear over the impending takeover by our robot overlords. In this totally not bullshit study that wasn’t done just coincidentally at the same time as and possibly to help promote the debut of the Fox show Almost Human overseas, people opened up about what they think of the impending robot rebellion:

Almost as many worry they could lose their job to robots, and 10% expect to see RoboCop-style police in 10 years’ time.

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More than a quarter of participants believed that robots or intelligent computers would be capable of feeling human emotion in the future.

I fully expect to lose my job to a robot in the near future. Hopefully, it’s the one I’m building out of a empty jug of Gallo wine and an old picture of Engelbert Humperdinck. HASHTAG SCIENCE HASHTAG PATENT PENDING Y’ALL.

Forty-six per cent thought technology was evolving too quickly and undermining traditional ways of life, while 35% were concerned about the use of unmanned military drones. And 42% expected to see teachers being replaced by robots in classrooms of the future.

Coincidentally, that 46 percent who think technology is evolving too fast is comprised entirely of that cranky old man standing in front of you at the Burger King who can’t understand why Whoppers are so goddamn expensive these days.

Seventeen per cent of those questioned, meanwhile, said they would be prepared to “have sex with an android”, though 41% thought the notion was “creepy” and a further 14% said robots should not be used in this way.

What’s “creepy” about having sex with one of the animatronic replicants from Disney’s Hall of Presidents? Come on, don’t tell me none of you ever fantasized about getting it on with robot Abraham Lincoln. Prudes.

More than one in 10 (11%) said they would like a robot child similar to David in the movie A.I. and replacing a beloved animal with a robot appealed to nearly a fifth of pet owners.

What’s not appealing about the idea of something that is adorable, totally enamored with you and doesn’t poop? Stop fearing change. Think about all the times you won’t have to stoop down and pretend to pick up dog poo because you only brought one bag from home and your poop machine dog has decided to go at least two more times since you used it. Think of all the times you won’t have to get yelled at by your landlord. We’re talking about a clear win-win here, folks.

Martin Smith, professor of Robot Overlording at the University of Middlesex oversaw the poll (and is quite possibly in league with the robots, jockeying for a comfy position in their massive Matrix-esque robot kingdom). “Though many fear their jobs will be taken over by machines, it is more likely that robots will be used as assistants, and the future workforce could have the benefit of avoiding hazardous and repetitive tasks rather than suffer mass redundancies,” he said.

People. There are several key takeaways from this poll. First of all, I told you so. I warned all of you about the impending rise of our robot overlords. You laughed and said “LOL THAT’S FUNNY REBECCA, ARE YOU GOING TO POST ANOTHER CAT VIDEO LATER?” Secondly, it is also gravely concerning that in all this talk of robot overlords there is zero mention of the involvement of the Lizard People. I assume that’s because 90 percent of the royal family has either been replaced by minions of the Lizard People or because the Queen has some sort of deal with the media to hush it all up. I don’t have all the facts just yet. Not just yet.