OMFG: Giant Rats Are Taking Over The Planet

Important announcement: I’ve just hopped out of my DeLorean after a disastrous visit to the future and thought I should tell you what I saw there. No, it wasn’t hover boards and sneakers that lace themselves. It was rats. Huge fucking rats everywhere you go and — guess what? — they run everything.

It’s not as if this future hellscape has been entirely unpredicted. The rat takeover — right now, in 2014 — has already started and the only thing left to do is wait for the situation to get worse. (SMASH CUT to the year 2250 when America’s rat citizens are swearing in their new rat president and laughing at us as we — the ones who survived the plague, anyway — dance for their entertainment.) Last week, a couple in Sweden killed a sixteen-inch rat in their home and now the pest control offices in Birmingham, UK are reporting sightings of rats as big as cats.

From the Birmingham Mail:

City pest control officer Colin Watts revealed he had seen a 2ft rodent – which he said was as “wide as a brick” – on the loose.

Birmingham is battling a growing problem which saw more than 5,100 rat alerts recorded in the past year.

Calls over rats in city homes were up by almost 300 on the previous 12 months.

Watts theorizes that the increase in rat numbers and their individual sizes comes from — like all problems in the world today — an increase in the trash produced by people. The more we throw away, the more rats have to eat and the bigger they all get. WE HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT OURSELVES.

The good news is that I plan on dying from disgust (or from being murdered on a rich person’s boat) long before the full-blown rat takeover can come into fruition. Best of luck to the rest of you.