Olivia Wilde's Ass Is Too Nice for Her to Play a Writer

In his review of the film Third Person, GQ’s Tom Carson reminded us of the age-old wisdom that has been used to uplift women for centuries: You can’t be both pretty and smart.

You know almost immediately where things are headed simply by reading the title: “The Redeeming Part of Paul Haggis’s Third Person: Liam Neeson and Olivia Wilde’s Sex Scene.”

Carson objects to the believability of Olivia Wilde’s character—she plays writer in the film—because her ass is too nice.

Yet the fantasy hasn’t totally lost its shlock-Hemingway appeal, and Neeson and Wilde get up to some believably wayward antics: games, one-upmanship, the kind of desire for each other that comes from old acquaintance rather than novelty. She’s supposed to be a writer too, but your belief in that won’t outlast Wilde scampering naked through hotel corridors once Neeson playfully locks her out of his room. With that tush, who’d need to be literate? Who’d want to?

For the sake of everyone’s mental health, let’s try to forget that he used the word “tush.” I was under the impression that once you phased out of elementary school, it’s no longer called a “tush.” If this hasn’t already put down in the Official Rule Book On How To Not Gross Everybody Out, it needs to be.

But Carson brings up an excellent point. We all know that beauty and intelligence are mutually exclusive and that as soon as one is born beautiful, or goes through the arduous process of becoming one of The Beautiful People, everything his handed to them and basic life skills become completely unnecessary.

Not to be picky here, but even a woman as beautiful as Olivia Wilde with a bottom-half worthy of Tom Carson’s amusement might still want to be literate for reasons that include being a confident, active member of society. I’m sure she would enjoy literacy if for no other reason than to understand her butt modeling contracts and the stipulations in her yoga pants endorsements.

Also, if Tom Carson, a person who writes, is saying that writers can’t have nice asses, then I say: “SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, DUDE.”

To the nice ass-ed among you: Please speak up! Can you read? Do you enjoy being able to? Let’s get to the bottom (pun intended) of this. And for the record, Olivia Wilde—a screenwriter and the daughter of two journalists—is probably literate and still in possession of her great ass.