Oh My God, Ted Cruz Is Such a Drama Queen

Image via Carolyn Kaster/Associated Press.
Image via Carolyn Kaster/Associated Press.

Do you know who has been so dramatic lately? And by “lately,” I mean since at least his senior year of high school? Here’s a hint: he’s got tiny little eyes and loves the word “abortifacient”!


Recently, Sen. Ted Cruz endorsed Donald Trump for president, even though Donald Trump trampled over the family Ted Cruz claims to hold dear, insinuating that his wife Heidi has evil secrets and is not hot and that his father was involved in the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

In response, like the outlaw-turned-hero from a 1950's Western he imagines himself to be, Cruz referred to Trump as a “sniveling coward” and instructed him to “leave Heidi the hell alone”; he has also called Trump a “pathological liar,” and claimed at the Republican National Convention that “I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and attack my father.”

Anyway, now he is! But it was really hard, folks. “Agonizing,” in fact. The Washington Post reports that in a public sit-down at the Texas Tribune Festival, Cruz credited the “voices of the grass roots”—i.e. the people who booed him at the RNC—with changing his superior mind. These individuals, according to Cruz, possess the wisdom of a forest of ancient oaks, the diligence of an army of Spartan warriors, the emotional purity of Mary at the cross.

From the Post:

“They were tearfully begging me to support the nominee,” Cruz said. “They trudged through the snow; they made phone calls. Their view was that they were horrified by a Hillary Clinton presidency. Listen: If people from Washington are smacking me with a stick, I don’t care. It usually means I’m doing the right thing. But when you hear the voices of the grass roots who believe with all their heart — their voices move me.”

One more point: Ted Cruz dropped out of the Republican primary in May. He endorsed Trump in September. What snow is he talking about?


Queen of Bithynia

Do you think he makes Heidi call him “Mister President” in bed?