GUNS!!!!! Right, ladies?? You like GUNS, don’t you? What do you mean, “Not really, no”? All Americans like GUNS because GUNS are totems of our essential Americanness. Consider the great GUN movies through the history of the American cinema — Top Gun, The Naked Gun, The Guns of Navarone, and, of course, Thunder Gun. They all have the word “gun” right there in the title, but they may as well be stamped with the Stars ‘n Stripes. Liking — no, loving — guns with a strange materialistic fixation is the most patriotic thing American citizens can do, but we need to be honest about something: up until now, gun culture has largely excluded women.
The NRA is really sorry about that, and it’d like to dial back the testosterone a little so that all the nascent lady gun lovers can get in on the shooting action. That’s why gun paraphernalia at an NRA convention last week featured all sorts of lovely and feminine gun accessories (ladies love the accessories!), such as a bra holster made especially so that your firearm can catch all those rivulets of underboob sweat you’ll exude when someone mugs you and you realize that, hey, you can’t really reach discreetly into your bra while you’re being mugged, can you?
Maybe the boob gun isn’t for you. That’s fine — this NRA convention featured some really diverse items as long as you like the color pink. You do like pink, don’t you? If you’re a lady, the NRA is betting that you sure as hell do! Basically, imagine any kind of gun or gun accessory, only use your lady brain to pinkify it — that’s what the NRA has to offer you. Anything your heart desires, so long as your heart desires guns that look tailor-made for a Barbie-G.I. Joe hybrid doll of doom. Remember, ladies: if you don’t arm yourselves with guns, your only choice will be to arm yourselves with cats.