Now You Can Get Cosmetic Fat Injected Into Your Old-Lady Hands

Huzzah. Another physical flaw for women to cash in the ol’ 401k over. Conventional wisdom has long held that plastic surgery can “fix” most signs of terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad female aging, but the two surefire “tells” that you’re dealing with a closet crone are the neck and the hands. Now that neck lifts have gone mainstream, “hand rejuvenation” is on the scene.

Techniques include laser treatment on brown spots and fat injected as filler:

‘With the hot weather this summer we have experienced a marked increase in inquiries from women complaining of sunspots on their hands, along with the skin becoming thin and crepey.

‘Hand rejuvenation is becoming increasingly popular, with dermal fillers volumising and smoothing the skin, encouraging the production of collagen to provide a youthful look.

‘Laser resurfacing of the hands is also on the rise thanks to its ability to improve sun-damaged skin and reduce the appearance of sunspots.’

The Private Clinic on Harley Street also offer a treatment to rejuvenate the hands and have seen a surge in enquiries.

Their procedure takes fat from one part of the patient’s body and injects it into the hands. It is done while the patient is awake and is designed to give long term rejuvenation benefits to the hands.

I’m always at a loss for how to approach stories like this. On the one hand, I have zero interest in taking some strident anti-prettiness stance. I like makeup, I FACKING LOVE manicures, I literally only wear dresses, I [used to] shave my legs. I believe in female agency, I think women should do whatever they want with their bodies, and if what women want to do with their bodies is cosmetically inject some fat into their aging hands to recapture some missing spark of youth, it has literally no bearing on my life whatsoever. I can’t even rule out the possibility that I might decide to get plastic surgery one day. I don’t know! Follow your heart, future-me!

However.

On the other hand, the idea that women should want to “rejuvenate” their aging hands does have a direct impact on my life—in that I am the current owner of a pair of aging hands, and one of these days the visible age of my hands will drastically diminish my value as a human being. Also, it’s always worth remembering, people die from elective plastic surgery. “Hand rejuvenation,” and cosmetic surgery in general, do not exist in a vacuum—as much as that would simplify things for modern, consensual-beauty-myth-embracing feminists.

So here’s where I come down. It’s exactly the same as my opinion on the “obesity epidemic,” in fact. You can think critically about the system without criticizing the human beings affected by the system. You can be aware of the fact that we live in a patriarchal culture that telegraphs “conform or perish” into women’s brains from birth onward, while also recognizing that getting dressed up is hella fun. Women get shit on enough, and talking shit about women who get cosmetic surgery is just another shit-delivery system for women. BE A SHITBRELLA INSTEAD.