Image: Getty

It’s rare that I will battle a bout of insomnia, but last night was brutal. Around 4 a.m., after a few hours of tossing and turning, I decided to scroll aimlessly through Twitter—surely the monotony of the same Caroline Calloway joke told over and over again would put me right to sleep. Instead, I saw it: a 30-second video clip of Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello “kissing.” The great fake relationship of the season had got me good. Needless to say, I did not go to bed right away.

“So, we saw on Twitter and stuff you guys saying stuff about the way we’re kissing and how it looks weird, like we kiss like fish,” Mendes says in the clip posted to his Instagram. “Yeah. Really hurt our feelings,” Cabello responds, unsmilingly. “We just wanna show you how we really kiss,” he says. Then he faces her and they go to town on each other’s mouths. In a few moments, it really looks like they’re actually sucking each other’s faces, which is the first time I’ve ever found that kissing colloquium to make sense. Cabello begins by running the body of her tongue over his top teeth and roof of his mouth, which sent a tiny shiver down my spine. Those ridges? That’s a no from me, dog.

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Clearly they’re trying to mess with their naysayers, all those who’ve mocked their kissing since they started playing tonsil hockey a few short months ago. I admire their ambition. Really, I do. I only wish they’d chose to do so in a less disturbing video. This is the stuff of nightmares.

At any rate, their timing was impeccable, because Cabello dropped a music video for her latest single, “Liar,” an hour before Mendes posts the Insta video. I love the synchronicity. Their publicists deserve a raise.