Nothing Is Sacred: 'Chewable' Coffee Is Now On the Market

Thanks to a San Francisco tech company, you can now chew your morning coffee, and thereby evaporate every ounce of beauty from this hallowed and blessed ritual.


According to New York, the company Nootrobox, “which specializes in brain supplements called nootropics,” introduced Go Cubes at this year’s South by Southwest:

“Something like gummy bears for caffeine-starved adults, Nootrobox’s Go Cubes contain 50 milligrams of caffeine, are made with cold-brewed coffee, and come in mocha, pure drip, and latte.

The product delivers a jolt of caffeine to help get you through the day—two cubes equals a cup of coffee—but, like nootropics, it’s also supposed to enhance brain activity. So the caffeine is supplemented with an amino acid found in tea, L-theanine, which studies have shown improves attention and lessens coffee jitters when consumed with caffeine.”

Well, that sounds ok, I guess. Nootrobox’s promotional video (posted above) also features a clip of a pedestrian, travel cup in hand, wiping out onto the pavement in glorious fashion, his coffee splattering as he descends. The lesson here, presumably, is that Go Cubes might spare you from burns, concussions, and death by traumatic head injury.

And hey, coffee addicts are opting into a Go Cube lifestyle. The product “sold out on Amazon Launchpad (where 20 packs of four retail for $59) within three days,” signaling enthusiasm for the idea.

In a February 2016 interview with Buzzfeed, Nootrobox co-founder Michael Brandt voiced his own optimism for the success of Go Cubes, not to mention his considerable ambition. “We’re just trying to take over the world so that this is an iconic logo before anyone else can follow us,” he said. “For every Coca-Cola, there’s a Pepsi and a bunch of others. That’s ok as long as we’re the Coca-Cola.”

If you’re not keen on the taste of coffee but hope that Go Cubes might provide you with its stimulating effects, be forewarned: the chewables share the same flavor, with a “bitter, sour center.” But if you dig it, and you’re willing to forego the comfort of a warm beverage (monsters!), Go Cubes might be your ticket to morning productivity.


“Own the fact that when you’re going to get coffee, 80% of the time you’re doing it to enhance your work abilities somehow,” Brandt said. “Wouldn’t you want something more precise than coffee?”

Video via YouTube.


Slay.douché - (dreams to be a puppy)

50 shades of FAIL. Stop trying to HACK everything hipsterpreneurs!

Coffee is *fucking fine*, leave it alone. We also don’t need an anal thermometer metering app to predict our morning poops.