Illustration for article titled None of Jessica Simpsons Exes Want to Read Her Book
Photo: Amy Sussman / Getty

John Mayer doesn’t want to read his ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson’s book, okay? Frankly, I hate to agree with John “white supremacist dick” Mayer about anything, but it is very reasonable not to want to read, watch, or listen to anything that one of your exes has created. I dated a man in college who dumped me and then immediately wrote a (likely bad) song about our relationship. There is no amount of money you could pay me to look up that song on Spotify (though I would encourage you to try!).

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Mayer and Simpson dated nearly 15 years ago, and the former couple’s relationship was notoriously tumultuous. The singer-songwriter once referred to Simpson as “sexual napalm”, a comment which manages to objectify her while also sounding like a discarded title for “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

In her book, which has provided endless material for people who love celebrity gossip, Simpson referenced a number of issues with her past relationship with Mayer.

In the tell-all, Simpson, 39 — who dated Mayer, 42, on and off following her divorce from Nick Lachey in 2006 — claims that Mayer was “obsessed” with her “sexually and emotionally,” saying that their relationship was “unhealthy and manipulative.”

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But of course, in typical John Mayer fashion, he couldn’t just say “No Andy, I actually haven’t read Jessica Simpson’s memoir. Now, about the latest season of Vanderpump Rules...” No, instead, he had to try to say it in an artsy, faux deep manner. And apparently the best way to do that was to reference..... Pee Wee’s Big Adventure?

“I’ve heard about it. I’ve heard some bits,” Mayer said on “Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen” about the memoir. “But as Pee Wee Herman says in ‘Pee Wee’s Big Adventure’ before the movie of his life is about to play out at the end, he’s not watching the movie, and the reason he’s not watching the movie, he says, ‘I don’t have to watch it, Dottie, I lived it.’ And I think that’s prescient here.”

I simply refuse to believe that Mayer though of that very random reference just off the cuff. This feels like a classic example of trying too hard to sound hipster. But it’s somehow more concerning to imagine that Mayer took the time to prepare a response to this question, and the best he could come up with was a quote from a 1985 Tim Burton film.

But Mayer isn’t the only ex who’s trying to stay far away from the topic of Simpson’s memoir.

Lachey, whom [Simpson] was married to from 2002 to 2006, said of the memoir, “I have not read a single word.”

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Honestly, I cackled. [Page Six]


Bad Bunny has a Tasty video, in which he’s making... Italian sushi.

First of all, I would like to be clear that Italian sushi is simply not a real thing. Wrapping risotto in prosciutto does not sushi make. Which seems obvious, since neither of those things are in real sushi, but apparently it is necessary to reiterate that just because you used a bamboo sushi rolling mat to make it something, that doesn’t mean that final product also gets to be called sushi.

As anyone who spends any amount of time on the internet knows, there are few things more cursed than a Tasty recipe video. There are tens, if not hundreds, of examples of this, recipes that take more twists and turns than you could imagine to create an item of food that it’s very difficult to imagine anyone eating. The other day I watched one that involved making a sort of casserole that had layers for dinner and dessert? All in one dish? It made me gag. (I just spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to find said video so there is a slim chance it was just a fever dream. But I swear, I saw it.)

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Although Bad Bunny’s Italian sushi is closer to the “gross” end of the gross to cursed spectrum of Tasty videos, I still hate it. Except for the amount of cheese he uses in the risotto. That is one thing I can approve of. [Youtube]


  • Leighton Meester and Adam Brody may be welcoming baby number two. [Page Six]
  • Jeffree Star is fighting on the internet with a 10-year-old Kardashian child. [Us]
  • Rapper and snitch Tekashi 6ix9ine is being released from prison. [Page Six]

Freelance writer who loves sandwiches, astrology, & fighting on the internet.

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