Nobody Wants to Buy Victoria's Secret's Dumb 'Sexy' Sports Bras

Last year, Victoria’s Secret announced a new frontier in tit innovation: sports bras that don’t squish boobs down like other, shitty sports bras that actually serve the function they’re designed to serve. The boobologists at VS were going to push sexy sports bras, for the woman who can’t even for a second bear the thought of not having pert, defined breasts. Not even when they’re working out.

Well, shock of shocks, the line of sexy sports bras that sacrifice support and function for *~sExInEsS~* isn’t selling as well as execs thought they would. Here’s a pretty hilarious morsel on their confusion from Bloomberg,

“We wanted to solve the uniboob problem, where your sports bra makes you look straight across — no one likes that,” Turney said in November. “This bra is just as much about performance and function as the look.”

Gymgoers realize they’re on display when they work out, and they want to look good, she said at the time.

“It’s a fashion club now,” Turney said. “The days of wearing our old workout shorts and ratty T-shirts are over.”

LOL.

I’m a runner. I run a lot. And you know what my main problem is vis-à-vis my boobs and exercising? Strapping them the fuck down so I can go faster, or lift more, or do whatever I need to do without my pockets of chest fat from getting in the way. I literally do not give half a jiggling fuck about looking sexy. High impact exercise is not the time to look sexy. Jesus Heaving Christ.

It’s fun to look pretty, but shitty that Victoria’s Secret thinks women are so narcissistic that they’re willing to be uncomfortable during their workout in the name of preserving the sexy. It’s also silly that they think that sports bras that prevent “uniboob” don’t already exist. I run in this high-impact Nike bra, and it does a fine job of not mushing booth of my breasts together atop my sternum like a flesh mountain (Old Navy used to make a great low-cost bra that provided pretty great support without looking too uniboob-y, but, alas, they discontinued that design this year for something that isn’t even worth spending $16 on). Other athleticwear brands make similarly cup sized garments that provide support without “uniboob.” These are garments made by companies that have spent years studying what female athletes want and need, and they’re still working on getting it exactly right. And now Victoria’s Secret thinks it can win the sports bra game by prancing in from its pink fluffy bedroom in an abandoned Monaco sex mansion as dramatically lit by Michael Bay and scored by an erect penis playing a synthesizer and giving low-support bras mildly suggestive names like “The Knockout” and “The Player” and “Incredible?” Nuh-uh. Stick to what you know, guys— lotions that smell like middle school locker rooms and bras so padded that they look like tits on a hanger.