Unfortunately, I could not find Henry Winkler’s pillow on Etsy. But I did encounter a harrowing pillowcase bearing Fauci’s cartoonized visage. In the artist’s rendering, his body is small and his head is large, next to the caption “Keep calm and wash your hands then get a good night’s sleep.” Funny how out of date this advice might be, since more and more health officials claim that coronavirus is most often transmitted through the air, not on surfaces. Perhaps the seller is appealing to both the traditional Dr. Fauci superfan, and those still hesitant to wear a mask because of “human rights” or something.

This yard sign is a mishmash of American patriotism and gestures towards rock stardom, with Fauci looking grizzled in his photoshopped Top Gun shades, posing in front of an American flag where the stars have been replaced by a caduceus. One reviewer writes: “I love it! I ordered an extra because I knew my bestie would want one for her yard... and of course she did!!! I have had several neighbors walk by and comment or read it and give quick fist pump or head nod!!” I’d like to take this moment to check in on everyone living in the suburbs. Are you doing all right?

American politics are a theatre of the macabre; as such, this horrifying mug fits in perfectly. It shows a progression of pain from several cartoon Dr. Faucis, ranging from “no pain” to “soul crushing pain.” At first, I thought the pain meter along its base changed colors, but reading reviews, the “gag” is that you get to drink coffee out of a mug with Dr. Fauci’s face on it.

This candle follows in the long tradition of public figures rendered as Catholic saints. You can also find them for Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and even Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. (Come on guys, she obviously doesn’t want that for herself!) Anyway, in this candle’s art, Fauci is holding a Bible where the scripture has been replaced by text that reads: COVID-19 Facts and Truth. Buyer beware!

I personally cannot think of anything I’d like less than wearing near-translucent dress socks with Dr. Fauci’s confused face on them en masse. But if feet are your fetish, or you just need to feel the warmth of another person on you again, then this is your best bet. One reviewer simply writes: “Really love these socks. Have already bought some for family and friends!”

These cards have everything one could possibly want: ’80s baseball nostalgia, patriotism, Dr. Fauci facts. Buyers appear to love them! One rave reviewer notes: “Excellent experience... highly recommend! This is truly a unique gift for anybody who is a fan of Dr. Fauci. The cards are professionally designed and contain all types of trivia about America’s favorite doctor. They even came packaged in a plastic protective case. Hang on to these... they are definitely a collector’s item!” Considering you can now grab them for the low low price of $16.50, I’d suggest you nab them now, so in 20 years you might peddle them for food and water in the underground bunker you’ll be living in post-apocalypse.

Etsy seller DeliciousAccessories writes: “Dr. Fauci can’t say this so we can say it for him.” Were Dr. Fauci to ever utter these words, I might spontaneously combust, so it’s probably for the best he hasn’t said them yet.

On the opposite end of the mask spectrum is this deliciously ironic specimen, which requires the user to contradict themselves while using it. It would also seem that right-wing conspiracies about masks and Dr. Fauci don’t traffic as well as objects of his worship on Etsy. Anyways, here’s my favorite review: “I hate wearing a mask and disagree that it’s needed. I only wear it because my son is afraid of backlash of i do not. At least when zi wear this i can let others know how I feel about the corrupt gov. of VA. The mask is comfortable on ears but like most all obstructs breathing esp since I have asthma. At least this mask let’s me protest!”