Having kids is a lot of things—a joy, a challenge, a pain, a miracle, a tragedy. But one thing it isn’t? A lifelong guarantee of a deep friendship that warrants regular check-ins. Even when you pay for stuff. Sorry.
But just such a conundrum comes up in a recent Dear Prudence live chat, now answered by the brilliantly funny Mallory Ortberg. In a new question under Ortberg’s watch, a mom asks:
Dear Prudie, I’m writing to ask for your guidance with my 18 yo daughter who is in her 1st year at an Ivy League university (we are paying for it). She only calls when she needs something or wants me to do something for her. I try to text her a few times a week, saying “how’s it going?” or something funny, or send an emoji. I call her about once a week to say hi for 5 to 10 minutes (max). She complains to her older sister that I call her “all the time” and I text her “when she’s in class” (obviously, I don’t know her schedule, and why is her phone on in class?). I don’t expect replies from her when I text, I don’t expect her to call me back if I call. I’m so hurt by her attitude I feel like not contacting her at all until we see her at Xmas (last time I saw her was September when I dropped her off), and certainly don’t feel moved to buy her Xmas presents. I still have her 10 yo sister at home, lots to do, a busy, full life. I’ve always tried to be a supportive parent, and give my kids what THEY need, to not use them to get what I need. I have a great relationship with her older sister, and thought I did with her too. I know I shouldn’t ‘punish’ her by giving her the cold shoulder for not wanting to talk to me, but I just don’t know how to handle it and be the parent in this situation. Thanks for your help!
This sort of question is a pretty good litmus test for something a lot of us don’t really articulate or figure out until either we are older or have kids of our own—how we think kids ought to regard their own parents, and what they “owe” them in terms of a relationship for having brought them into the world.
There’s a lot to suss out here. Let’s take it line by line.
…guidance with my 18 yo daughter who is in her 1st year at an Ivy League university (we are paying for it)…
Got it. Your daughter is at a Fancy School and you are Funding Her Education at a Fancy School. But look, paying for college doesn’t mean your kid has to talk to you in a meaningful way. That requires having a good relationship. You can certainly not pay for college if you don’t get the relationship you want and wish to make a terrible monster point, which would be a great strategy if you decide you don’t want that relationship after all.
She only calls when she needs something or wants me to do something for her.
Freshman year at college is about breaking away and establishing autonomy, away from the pestering eye of your parents. Some people miss their parents terribly and welcome their engagement, but for many kids, intrusions from the ‘rents are totally unwanted unless they come in the form of sweet dollar bills or care packages. This is a totally normal phase, and for people with good relationships with their parents, one that typically passes.
I try to text her a few times a week, saying “how’s it going?” or something funny, or send an emoji. I call her about once a week to say hi for 5 to 10 minutes (max).