No One Knows How to Do Sex In Space

Over the tens of thousands of years that humans have existed in their near-present evolutionary state, they’ve had sex an estimated 129348 bajillion times (that was me just smashing my hands on the number row of my keyboard). Thus it makes sense that every possible configuration and position of sex-having has been done. Mathematically, there are no new Cosmo tips to be tipped, no more weird things to do to a guy’s balls, no more uniquely mindblowing sex positions that people hadn’t figured out by the middle ages. Until now. Like a struggling 80’s children’s cartoon, the only way to revitalize sex is to send it to space.

How space sex is going to work is an unanswered question that scientists are very interested in studying, in a totally non-pervy way. How will humans survive in zero gravity? How will they reproduce? If space is at a premium on deep space missions, wouldn’t it be easier to send a spaceship full of women and several vials of sperm in lieu of actual fully developed human men?

Further, how will space sex look? Dr. Cameron Smith at Omni Reboot has a fascinating take, proposing that since human bodies waste away in the absence of gravity, future deep space missions will occur on giant rotating ships that produce their own centrifugal gravity. In the middle of the ship, however — that’s fucktown.

A Massachusetts Medical School space biologist recently stated that, “Sex is very difficult in zero gravity…you have no friction,” but this seems particularly unimaginative. Remember, space migrants won’t be astronauts programmed to follow strict minute-by-minute schedules for 90-day flights; they will be normal people living out their entire lives. Sexual experimentation in the future will be nothing new—except that it may well include floating in the central hubs of immense interstellar craft.

Can’t wait for the “500 Hottest Things to Do To His Taint In Space” ladymag cover story.