Nick Lachey is the Most Boring Man in America

To promote his new hosting gig at Vh1’s Big Morning Buzz Live, former 98 degree Nick Lachey did a Reddit AMA this afternoon. Biggest takeaway: Nick Lachey is almost comically boring. He’s Applebee’s deep fried sizzlin’ vanilla. He is a beige taco filled with extra mild nothing sauce. He is a perfectly square 100% cotton dish cloth of a man. Perhaps the most boring man in America.

Lachey introduced himself as a Scorpio who loves tater tots, “sports, ice cream, and ice cold Miller Lite.” His favorite toilet paper is Charmin Ultrasoft. His guilty pleasure is Barry Manilow. His favorite pizza topping is pepperoni. He talked about the cold weather. Colder than he thought! His favorite TV shows are “Dads, House of Cards, Game of Thrones, Homeland, Breaking Bad, and SportsCenter.” Is he the most boring Scorpio ever, or what?

It’s like a focus group came up with him.

What about Jessica Simpson? What about being one of the OG’s of reality TV? What about rivalries with other late 90’s era boy bands? ANYTHING JUICY, LACHEY? Nope.

Sorry to disappoint. But the answer is a boring one. There was only mutual respect and admiration between those of us in the “Boy Band” world (seriously, I just made air quotes). No sing-offs, no dance-offs, no fight-offs. Just party-offs.

Lachey then went on to qualify that a “party off” isn’t like “Led Zeppelin-style debauched behavior,” it was more like “everyone get together and high five in one big room” sort of parties. Like when I was a kid and all my Ken dolls would hang out and just kind of stand there in shorts together.

Boooo-ring.

Whether Lachey’s approachable blandness will translate to bigger success for VH1’s heretofore low-rated morning show remains to be seen. Hope we all don’t fall back asleep before we find out.