News Outlets Breathlessly Cover Royal Wedding Aftermath

I don’t know if you heard, but a royal wedding happened. People got really into it.

Thanks to the flattering white dress she donned for the ceremony, maid of honor Pippa Middleton’s ass now has its own Facebook fan page and almost 90,000 fans. She also wore a cute outfit on the day after the wedding. She’s the new “it” girl! Don’t mess up, Pippa! The press loves to build people up and then tear them down, and you’re next! Ha ha! Just kidding! (Not really.)

Since Pippa is pretty and Prince Harry is unmarried, people are shipping the shit out of them, declaring Harry “smitten” by Kate Middleton’s little sister because how totally amazing would it be if two princes married two sisters oh my fucking god it’s just like a fairy tale but a weird one because if they both had kids the kids would be “double cousins” and that’s always a little bit awkward, right? BUT OH MY GOD.

Meanwhile, a lip reader has been employed to decipher the things that were said by the un-wired participants in the nuptials. Many of the exchanges captured were riveting; for example, at one point, Kate Middleton’s father asked her if she was okay, and she said, “Yeah.” And everyone thought that everyone looked lovely, which, as far as I know, is fairly standard wedding stuff. I attended a wedding this weekend, and that’s pretty much what everyone said to everyone. I didn’t hear anyone say, “Well, you sure look disappointing.” But I digress.

While the wedding party kept the post-ceremony festivities going past 3 am, the happy couple isn’t going to immediately sail off into the sunset of honeymoon doin’ it bliss, though. They’ve chosen to delay their honeymoon and instead get back to their important work.

Also, as we’ve mentioned here, three-year-old Grace Van Cutsem is a national hero, iicon, and treasure. I can’t wait to read the human interest piece about her in 10 years- “Glower Girl Can’t Escape Perturbed Past” or something of that nature.

All in, the ceremony set the Middleton family back over $400,000. On the upside, William rejected a prenup, so if Kate decides she wants to leave him, ka-ching.

While some of the 23 million Americans who watched the ceremony may think that the exhaustive coverage flirted with “overkill” status, I say we need more royals and we need them now. Next time a Royal gets married, I want crazier hats. I want the participants mic’ed up, like NFL coaches giving halftime speeches. I want Princess Diana to not only be mentioned eleventy zillion times, I also want her to attend the ceremony as a hologram. And there better be a thoughtcam.