New York City's Write-In Candidates for Mayor Are Really Something

By Lauren Evans | September 28, 2017 | 10:05pm

Politics

New York City’s mayoral race is so boring that most New Yorkers don’t even know it’s happening. Incumbent Bill de Blasio is gonna win again, even though his best-known trait is his pigheaded unwillingness to go to a gym anywhere in the remote vicinity of his home.

This is a far cry from the 2013 race, which had all the pulse-pounding psychodrama of the second Speed movie. Then-council speaker Christine Quinn kicked off campaigning as a heavy favorite, though Anthony Weiner also enjoyed a briefly promising redemption tour summarily pushed off the rails by his own obstinate penis. Bill de Blasio, the purported hippie Sandinista, snuck up from behind to clinch the victory, only to let everyone down when he turned out to be just another milquetoast half-leader whose wispy idealism was crushed like grapes by the city’s powerful private interests. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Andrew Cuomo (1 vote)

Governor Andrew Cuomo is known for presenting himself as a woodsy man’s man, the kind of guy who would punch a bear from his motorcycle and then brag about it in a press release about tax reform. He and de Blasio have a long simmering resentment of each other that tends to result in New Yorkers getting caught in the middle. Andrew Cuomo becoming both the mayor and governor would be just the sort of cruel joke 2017 needs.

Anthony Weiner (4 votes)

Guys, Anthony Weiner is a convicted felon now, making him both technically and spiritually ineligible. All four of you should be ashamed.

Barack Obama (5 votes)

lol, u wish.

Blue Ivy Carter (1 vote)

Blue Ivy Carter is a native New Yorker, meaning she has an inherent understanding of the issues facing the city. Like Michael Bloomberg before her, she also possesses enough independent wealth that she’ll be resistant to the sway of private interests. That said, she was last seen this summer performing at a ballet recital, so it seems unlikely that she’ll mount a viable campaign ahead of the November 7 vote. Still, fingers crossed!

Cynthia Nixon (2 votes)

Cynthia Nixon found it morally conscionable to accept a role in Sex and the City 2, which should be sufficient to disqualify her from public office eternally.

Ed Koch (2 votes)

Hate to have to be the one to tell you this but, Ed Koch…

…has already exceeded his term limits and is thus ineligible to run again.

Dwayne Johnson (2 votes)

We’re not ready.

Edie Windsor (1 vote)

Even in death, Edie Windsor has more important things to do with her time than become mayor.

“Forello Laguartia” (1 vote)

Who?

Frederick Douglas (1 vote)

…

Tony Stark (1 vote)

Would never take off-topic questions at press conferences.

Jon Snow (1 vote)

Would get assaulted by a cop for hauling around that sword.

Stephen K. Bannon (1 vote)

I’m sure you’re joking but fuck you.

Snoop Dogg (1 vote)

This is absurd. This is like writing in the Pacific Ocean itself. As a Long Beach native, I’d be less offended if you nominated a blunt filled with OG Kush rolled in an In-N-Out wrapper.

Rudolph Giuliani (3 votes), Rudolph Guiliani (1 vote), Rudy Gulliani (1 vote)

Who?

RuPaul (1 vote)

YES.

Patti Smith (1 vote)

There is nothing I want less than for Patti Smith’s beautiful poet’s soul than for it to be exposed to the crass, oozing underbelly of New York City politics. Still, I do think this would mean our subways would improve 100-fold. Ditto Laurie Anderson (1 vote.)

What do Kanye West, Bruce Springsteen, Emma Goldman and Derek Jeter all have in common?

At least one person thought they should be mayor.

Advanced congratulations to Bill de Blasio; let’s try to suck less at this next year, okay? In the meantime, you can view the full list of write-in candidates here.