New Year's Resolutions I Actually Might Keep

OK, it’s that time of year again. You’re going to make that same dumb list of resolutions you make every year. You’re going to post it on your Facebook page and your cousin is going to “like” it and two friends from work are going to comment “Amazing; go for it!”

But you know and I know that list is total bullshit. You’re not going join a gym or quit smoking pot or spend more time with your mother. Your mother is a huge pain in the ass and this resolution will only cause you more grief and anxiety. So come on. Let’s get real.

Look, last year my first resolution was to start drinking less alcohol—HAHAHAHAHA it’s hard to even finish this sentence—and opt for a juice-friendly diet. (I even bought a juicer, y’all!). So even I am acquainted with the best of the most bullshitty “resolutions” we make for ourselves every year.

This year, I’m making resolutions that I actually know I will keep, because it’s about time I got my shit together. So please join me, and don’t forget to make your own list of actual resolutions you’re going to follow through on!

1. I will not drunk download shitty music on iTunes

This is one we all need to get down with. I have the soundtrack to Gone in 60 Seconds, because a half a bottle of tequila told me I needed to hear this one song that I thought was from that movie, but it turns out it was just the background music in a commercial for Eagle Insurance. I own “The Story of Us” by Taylor Swift. This is literally the most pointless song ever written, yet I felt the need to download not one, but TWO versions of it. This year, I’m going to make a resolution that the only music I download will be songs I want to listen to while sober and in the company of friends and loved ones I respect. Also, I will look into contacting Apple to ask them about the possibility of adding a breathalyzer to their already needlessly complicated Terms and Conditions contract.

2. I am going to stop Googling myself

Let’s all agree that we need to stop doing this. Relax. That time you got arrested on a beach in Sarasota because that cop thought it was your beer bottle that hit him in the back of the head is probably not going to show up when that guy you meet on OK Cupid Googles you. Probably. This year, I promise that I am letting go of my obsessive need to manipulate Google’s algorithm so that the first picture that shows up is that one of Rebecca Romijn “accidentally” tagged as my name.

3. I am going to stop decoupaging everything

Seriously. This shit is getting out of hand. I have decoupaged boxes. Decoupaged tables. Decoupaged key chains. Decoupaged shoes. Decoupaged dog collars. If I don’t stop this madness, I’m going to wake up one day in a house that’s completely encased in Mod Podge and vintage magazine pages. Look, it’s a wonderful hobby for me. But it might be getting out of hand. I once decoupaged the cover of a book WITH PAGES FROM ANOTHER BOOK. That’s madness, not Pinterest-worthy inspiration.

4. I am going to turn off my “Ryan Gosling Shirtless” News Alerts

This is not something a grown-ass, professional woman needs to have a news alert for. News alerts should be for important things like natural disasters and global crises. This is not “breaking news.” It’s just a man taking off his shirt. Yes, a ridiculously hot man, but nonetheless—it can wait.

5. I will not hate-lurk in the Yahoo news comments section

I’ll be honest. This one is going to be hard. That place is amazing. And awful. I don’t know why sane, rational people such as ourselves can’t stop going there and reading what spews from the entrails of the human mind, but for some reason, we keep coming back and back and BACK. Today marks the last day I am ever, ever clicking on one of their articles, reading some horrible racist/sexist/homophobic comment posted by a person who probably thinks the Internet is controlled by demonic forces and then ranting about it on my Facebook page. Nope, I am done with that. Tooooootally done with that. As soon as I tell my friends about what this one guy said about Obamacare.

6. I am going to stop sending marriage proposals to Merle Haggard

This one is mostly because his lawyers told me I have to quit.

7. I am not going to buy any more needlessly elaborate feminine hygiene products

No more scented pearl double weave super winged clicking discreet dodecagon products. I am not going to get sucked in by anymore fancy commercials with smiling women proclaiming their independence and freedom because their tampons come in a different color applicator than before. I am not going to be a sucker to all that advertising hoopla and just trust my instincts. From now on, it’s just going to be a plain ole’ tampon or a pad; thank you very much.

8. I resolve to delete that photo of me from 1998 that I keep using as my Facebook profile picture

This one is just sad and is something that should have stopped a long, long time ago.

9. I will stop watching Mob Wives

The fact that I even have to put this on a New Year’s Resolution list will forever serve as a disappointment to myself and the loving family who tried to raise me with the best of their ability into a normal, healthy, functioning adult. That all became a spectacular failure the moment I discovered “Big Ang.” But it’s time I hung up my weird obsession with Renee and Natalie, and moved on to programming that doesn’t serve as a humiliation to my family name when discovered on my DVR queue. It’s time to delete the billion or so episodes of this shitshow I have saved and start watching PBS for once. Downton Abbey, here I come. I actually think this one will be easy, because based on my limited understanding of the show, the Dowager Countess is basically the Big Ang of that show anyway.

Well, there they are! My list of totally doable, completely plausible New Year’s resolutions that I am definitely capable of following through on. Except maybe for that Ryan Gosling one. That’s going to be a doozy.