New Service Will Tell You If That Hottie From OK Cupid Is A Felon

Citing consumer demand for background checks on potential paramours met online, services offering to root out the baddies have recently sprung up. Hooray! All of our worries about dating online are over! Not so fast.

Now that 20 million Americans have joined 1,500 dating sites in the endless search for love (or a piece of ass; no judgment!), lawmakers and entrepreneurs have finally caught wind of the fact that what people want is some security and assurance that the person with whom they’re corresponding isn’t actually a serial rapist, or their own uncle.

Sites like MyMatchChecker.com offer users a background check on site users in exchange for a small fee. (I usually prefer the free but less fancy “google.com” in vetting potential dates, but that might be because I’m cheap.) Subscribers to the date-check service can rest assured that the person with whom they’re going to grab a drink and possibly awkwardly make out is legit.

Sites like True.com automatically crosscheck users’ data with public records to make sure that subscribers aren’t married and pretending to be available or creepy sex perverts, but other sites say that the background checks give users a false sense of security.

Whatever you choose to do and whatever site you plan to use, make sure you’re safe if you’re dating someone you meet online. For example, don’t put your social security number in your dating profile. Don’t go out with anyone whose “about me” section reads, simply, “currently doing time for murder.” And mostly don’t meet anyone for a date if they’re really evasive about why they can’t go out with you when it’s a full moon; that usually means they’re a werewolf.

In the meantime, I might establish a site of my own, called “DidIAlreadyMakeOutWithYou.com” to prevent potentially embarrassing repeat tongue slapping performances.