New All-Feminist Ghostbusters Is A Punch in the Dick to All of Mankind

Bad news, manosphere: F-F-F-F-FEMINISTS have seized the Ghostbusters franchise, replacing all of the characters that we’ve grown to know and love with four angry dykes and offering the director’s chair to some chick named Paul Feig. Ghostbusters? MORE LIKE BALLBUSTERS.

In the ’80s and ’90s, when I was growing up, almost every Saturday morning ad for a board game would end with a shot of a little white boy raising his fists triumphantly skyward and yelling “I WIN!” Somebody told me once that the reason for that is because focus groups determined that the only way white boys would be interested in buying a game is if the ads for the game showed somebody who looked like them winning. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT WORLD? WHERE IS THE AMERICA THAT I GREW UP TO LOVE? THAT AMERICA IS GONE, DISAPPEARED INTO THE GHOSTBUSTERS’ CAVERNOUS VAGINAS.

Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Dan Akroyd and that other dude who played Winston basically RAISED ME. I had a POSTER OF THEM that I used to look at a lot when I was five. I had action figures of every Ghostbuster and Slimer and I would MAKE THEM KISS SOMETIMES. My imaginary friend was named Dr. Venkman. Harold Ramis BREASTFED me when my FEMINAZI mother was out tricking hard working men into giving her money to buy ABORTIONS. I lost my virginity to fistful of WARM STAY-PUFT MARSHMALLOWS. Must feminists ruin this? IS NOTHING SACRED?!!?

I HATE MY MOM, A LOT.

Four female Ghostbusters simply aren’t realistic. Only men are uniquely equipped to wield proton packs and analyze ectoplasm, a substance emitted by ghosts, WHICH ARE REAL. Women’s hands are much TOO SMALL to hold a proton pack. GHOSTBUSTERS is supposed to be a COMEDY and WOMEN AREN’T FUNNY. And good luck getting audiences to believe that FOUR WOMEN could possibly do SCIENCE, much less in the same room without GETTING THEIR PERIODS ALL AT ONCE or snatching each other’s weaves in a fight over a man. I watch television AND READ THE INTERNET. I know how women are.

I’M NOT A FUCKING IDIOT!

Also: SEXISM!!! THE SEXISM!!! Imagine how angry feminists would be if Hollywood decided to make an all-male Sex and the City, or an all-male Joy Luck Club, or an all-male… OTHER MOVIE ABOUT WOMEN. Ladies, you ALREADY direct 17% of all major studio movies, and even sometimes are allowed to talk onscreen. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?!!?

I HAVE A CRUSH ON THE RECEPTIONIST BUT THAT BITCH WON’T SMILE AT ME. TYPICAL.

This isn’t feminism; this is a CASH GRAB. This is Hollywood KICKING a bunch of 36 year old divorced guys RIGHT IN THE DICK, and all because some PUSSY WHIPPED execs have realized over the last few years that movies about women make a shitload of money. This isn’t the noble, pure, agendaless, art-driven Hollywood I’ve grown to know and love. This is a BLATANT ATTEMPT to get FEMINAZIS to PUT THEIR CATS AND LAPTOPS DOWN FOR A SECOND and purchase tickets to a movie being made by a for-profit film studio operating in a capitalist society. HOW DARE THEY!

MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

THIS IS A BETRAYAL. I can’t believe Hollywood, a place that so often embraces novelty, would revisit a franchise THIS SOON after the first film was made and completely change the whole cast around and basically SHIT ON MY CHILDHOOD. GHOSTBUSTERS IS ONLY 31 YEARS OLD. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY? GET BACK TO MAKING MOVIES BASED ON COMIC BOOKS STARRING CHESTY WHITE GUYS! AND THE SKINNY THIRSTY BITCHES WHO ARE INEXPLICABLY ATTRACTED TO THEM! PLEASE!!!

WHEN I TELL YOU I THINK YOUR TITS LOOK NICE, IT’S A COMPLIMENT, YOU CUNT!

FEMINISTS HAVE TAKEN EVERYTHING AWAY FROM MEN—world government, the US Congress, Fortune 500 CEO positions, cable punditry, Ghostbusters—and they won’t stop until they’ve taken EVERYTHING. I’m all for equal rights, BUT COME ON.