Living in the modern world, it's difficult not to be saddened and disturbed by the scarcity of water that imperils millions of humans on a daily basis. Oh, did you think I was talking about global water shortages? No, sorry, I was referring to the fact that there were only three premium brands of still water targeted at the discerning bottled water consumer. The injustice.
Fortunately, Nestlé has stepped up to remedy this egregious oversight: Today, it's introducing a new premium brand of still water titled "Resource." According to Larry Cooper, the brand's marketing manager, its intended demographic is “a woman who is a little more on the trendy side and higher-income side, and the bull’s-eye is 35 years old." Good, because this gender-neutral peasant water tasted like the bottled tears of some sort of hideous bog creature.
Elaborates Mr. Cooper, “We want to raise it to the level of a lifestyle brand, where she’s proud to carry around Resource as her bottled water accessory, so to speak.” Maybe it can even replace the handbag as the high-profile female politician's accessory of choice!
Resource's tagline is “It’s more than hydration, it’s total electrolytenment,” so just think about that for a second and try not to hyperventilate. This is a trope they played up quite enthusiastically at the water's national launch, which featured an interpretive dance:
As you can see, the dance is about a trendy, high-income woman whose addiction to bottled water results in the destruction of human lives and in mass species extinctions (SHE KILLS A BIRD WITH HER MIND). Just kidding — it's a metaphor for "electrolytenment," duh.
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It's worth noting that Resource's bottles are comprised of 50 percent recycled plastic content, which is commendable(ish). But still, do we really need another brand of "luxury bottled water" when bottled noncarbonated water is responsible for nearly 170 times as much crude oil use and over 200 times as many greenhouse gas emissions as compared to tap water — and when it's been known to cause water scarcity problems in certain areas?
And, on a less serious note, can we please stop targeting completely gender-neutral products at a stereotyped vision of womankind? Speaking as someone whose vision of heaven is a castle made out of mashed potatoes, I don't know a single woman whose place of tranquility and joy is a wet t-shirt contest/yoga retreat in the middle of a clearing.
"Nestlé Adds Premium Brand in Still Water Arena" [NYT]
Image via Nestle.