Need A Bizarre, Esoteric Gift For An Effete Intellectual? Try Restoration Hardware

Thinking of getting someone in your family a nice pair of slippers this Christmas? How bourgeois of you! If you were truly sophistiqué you would shell out nineteen American dollars for a pair of Restoration Hardware’s “luxury plush foot duvets.” Perhaps you cannot decide what to give that special person in your life and despair that you will ruin Christmas by buying a DVD collector’s set? Restoration Hardware has just the thing — a “handwoven rope” you can hang yourself with for only $99 (warning: rope is for “decorative purposes only” and may not be structurally sound enough to support your angst-riddled corpse). Tired of that dumpy fir tree stinking up your living room? Go green and get a “driftwood tree” to guilt-trip your tree-murdering guests.

Take a look at some more clever offerings from the effete elves at Restoration Hardware and remember: the sooner you buy that $1500 solid wood airplane propeller for your son, the less likely it is that he’ll hate you forever for ruining his childhood.

Recycled Canvas Play Tent

For the budding Green Peace warrior. The catalogue describes this tent as “the perfect hideout for the household’s young allied forces,” which seems misleading because nothing could be more conspicuous in a well-appointed living room than a vintage military tent. Unless you’re a creepy collector of military memorabilia. Also probably not very good for grandpa’s PTSD.

$99, at Restoration Hardware, baby & child.

Shaggy Plush Bear Sleeping Bag

This is sleeping bag is perfect for the child who’s reached that special, sleepover-age, especially if you’re trying to discreetly warn hosting parents that your kid is a bed-wetter.

$99, at Restoration Hardware, baby & child.

Oversized Plush Animal

The perfect companion present to a toy gun. Let your little hunter re-enact the Great Ohio Animal Escape and put this motherfucking lion down!

$999 (because it’s probably filled with diamonds), at Restoration Hardware, baby & child.

Luxury Plush Robe

For the Jedi in your family.

$69, at Restoration Hardware.

Luxe Fur Hot Water Bottle

Fill with warm water, slip under your neck, and feel the knots of stress slowly unravel as you drift off to sleep. When you wake up, your muscle cramps will be replaced by an intense, instinctual fear of the giant rat that crawled behind your head while you were napping.

$29, at Restoration Hardware.

TV Easel

Too pretentious for a Walmart TV stand yet not pretentious enough to stop watching TV? Enter the TV easel (seriously, wtf?) for the lazy and independently wealthy artist.

$1095, at Restoration Hardware.

Life-Sized Artist’s Mannequin

Do you have a lot of money? Are you lonely? Do you have a disturbing Pygmalion fantasy that involves bringing a wooden companion to life and cooking it a romantic meal before you make sweet love to it? Then buy this freaky doll!

$1,219.99, at Restoration Hardware.

19th Century Timber Calipers

Is it weird that I thought that these were pretty reasonably priced for some decorative pieces of esoterica? I’m not really sure what you’d do with these except explain haughtily to guests what a “caliper” is and why the hell you bought two.

$275-$310, at Restoration Hardware.

Collection of German Carnival Noses

You might have had your finger all up in these noses if you didn’t wait until the last minute to start your Christmas shopping — they’re sold out. Bet somebody feels the pinch of holiday remorse right about now…

$295, at Restoration Hardware.

Glass Cloche Filled with Dismembered Babies

I imagine you’d buy this instead of coal to show your children what Santa does with bad little boys and girls — he ossifies them and imprisons them forever in a cloche.

$395, at Restoration Hardware.