Thinking of getting someone in your family a nice pair of slippers this Christmas? How bourgeois of you! If you were truly sophistiqué you would shell out nineteen American dollars for a pair of Restoration Hardware’s “luxury plush foot duvets.” Perhaps you cannot decide what to give that special person in your life and despair that you will ruin Christmas by buying a DVD collector’s set? Restoration Hardware has just the thing — a “handwoven rope” you can hang yourself with for only $99 (warning: rope is for “decorative purposes only” and may not be structurally sound enough to support your angst-riddled corpse). Tired of that dumpy fir tree stinking up your living room? Go green and get a “driftwood tree” to guilt-trip your tree-murdering guests.
Take a look at some more clever offerings from the effete elves at Restoration Hardware and remember: the sooner you buy that $1500 solid wood airplane propeller for your son, the less likely it is that he’ll hate you forever for ruining his childhood.
Recycled Canvas Play Tent
For the budding Green Peace warrior. The catalogue describes this tent as “the perfect hideout for the household’s young allied forces,” which seems misleading because nothing could be more conspicuous in a well-appointed living room than a vintage military tent. Unless you’re a creepy collector of military memorabilia. Also probably not very good for grandpa’s PTSD.
$99, at Restoration Hardware, baby & child.
Shaggy Plush Bear Sleeping Bag
This is sleeping bag is perfect for the child who’s reached that special, sleepover-age, especially if you’re trying to discreetly warn hosting parents that your kid is a bed-wetter.
$99, at Restoration Hardware, baby & child.
Oversized Plush Animal
The perfect companion present to a toy gun. Let your little hunter re-enact the Great Ohio Animal Escape and put this motherfucking lion down!
$999 (because it’s probably filled with diamonds), at Restoration Hardware, baby & child.
Luxury Plush Robe
For the Jedi in your family.