Nebraska College Kid Says Feminism 'Achieved Its Goals' So Women Should Shut the Fuck Up Now

Illustration for article titled Nebraska College Kid Says Feminism 'Achieved Its Goals' So Women Should Shut the Fuck Up Now

Is there anyone more naturally attuned to the nuances of America's struggle for social justice than white male heterosexual college students from Nebraska named Zach? Oh, what's that? LITERALLY EVERYONE? 'Kay. Well, nevertheless, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln published an op-ed today by one-man feminist brain trust (and Suzanne Venker superfan!) Zach Nold, a senior English major who's not afraid to blow the whistle on the real agenda of feminism: Climbing up the pedestal so we can push men off the pedestal and then have sex with the pedestal like sluts and then take all the jobs. And talk too much. And wear sexual leggings even if we don't have good enough legs. Basically WHERE IS ZACH NOLD'S SANDWICH.


Goddamnit, ladies. Now they're on to us. Which one of you spilled the beans to investigative journalist Zach Nold? Seriously, no Yoplait Whips at the next meeting unless somebody fesses up. (Jeanine, you snake, I know it was you.)

Anyway, here's the pithy opening:

Feminism has met its goals and women are now equal with men as they should be. We are truly beginning to see feminism change our economy, college campuses and relationships. However, an overreaching has begun to happen through feminism whether or not they realize it.

Feminism has achieved what it was set out to do, and now that women are considered equal, ‘feminists' want more. The movement is ruining modern relationships, and it's bringing about the downfall of men. This can easily be seen by the numbers on a college campus and in the modern economy.

You can go read the whole thing if you want (it's really long? For some reason?), but I wouldn't bother. It's, you know, college newspaper stuff. Kid stuff.

Zach, honey, from one English major to another, it's important that you actually read the books. The great literature in which you're about to have your degree is full of narratives of oppression and facilitated empathy and invitations to challenge your own ingrained notions of how the world works. Just try. Just try one time. Consider the fact that you might not know what the fuck you're talking about because you haven't lived in anyone else's body. (Reading a lot also helps with sentence construction, li'l buddy.)

Or, here's the Cliff's Notes version of this post if you don't feel like doing the reading: YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT LITERALLY ALL THINGS. START OVER.



Oh, and laaaaaaaadieeeeeeeeeees. Check it out. He also really wants you to know how he wants you to wear pants:

"First off, women enjoy, ignore, or are completely unaware of the fact men, like me, are enjoying the show. Come on! When I see a girl with leggings, it's like I am seeing her naked. I can see every curve, from the slope of the calf muscle, to the rise in the hump that we like to call the lovely lady lump. Now being a ‘leg man' myself, I must say for those who have some of the finest legs I've ever seen, I don't mind looking. You are, after all, kind of bringing it on yourself. However, for the ladies whose strong point may not be their legs, please, don't wear leggings. Which leads me to my second problem."