My Winter Crush Is Subway Raccoon

Screenshot: New York Post

Not all heroes wear capes, but some have adorably-shaped face fur giving the appearance of a perfect little Zorro eye mask, and I just love them so much. Such is the case of Subway Raccoon, my new winter crush.

According to the New York Post, Subway raccoon, dubbed “Chepe,” is an elusive rodent who recently moved into Brooklyn’s Nevins Street subway station. Rent around there is expensive, so I get it. Late last month, NYPD, animal control, and the state’s transit authority spent seven entire hours trying to capture my future husband and simply could not.

“He’s not stupid you know,” said one cop. “I want a picture of the raccoon!” said another.

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In their attempt to lure Chepe out of his home, workers stuffed a crate full of “plantains, a chicken and a bagel.” He escaped before they could shut him in, and he left happy and full. That night, he ate better than I do. It’s nice, you know, to have a crush that’s a bit aspirational. You need your partner to better your life.

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