My Roommate Punched My Cat and Now Everything's a Mess

Illustration for article titled My Roommate Punched My Cat and Now Everythings a Mess

Welcome to Friendzone, Jezebel's column devoted to dealing with the valuable people in your life who you're not humping. Got an issue and looking for guidance? Email friendzone@jezebel.com.

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Until recently, I lived with three close friends and my partner. I found out that the roommates had thrown a party while my partner and I were on vacation. I was upset, and I didn't really handle the problem well. Everything got tense. Things came to a head when one of my roommates hit and threatened my cat. I never told any of my other roommates about her actions, and they have pretty much cut me out of their lives. I moved out a few months ago. I'm not interested in resuming contact with the roommate who was violent, but is it worth it for me to try and save my friendship with any of the others?

What in the fucking fuck? She hit your cat? Are you motherfucking kidding me? I hope she dies in Costco by being crushed by a 250-lb sack of kitty litter. Also I hope fire is involved, somehow, just for aesthetic effect. I mean, okay, I don't actually want anything bad to happen to her. But I do want her to stop punching cats. Also: let's hope she is not a secret serial killer of humans.

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I don't know if you were a complete asshole about the party. I don't really care. What I care about is that this person abused the greatest of all animals, TEH KITTEH. I suggest you read up on animal abuse laws in your state (here's New York to get ya started).

I don't think you should contact these other friends. It may only serve to arouse the wrath of their chosen buddy, the Feline Fighter. Rather, I encourage you to nurture your platonic relationships with folks who have absolutely nothing to do with the trifecta with whom you once dwelt. You might even try to grow a friendship that has until recently just been a casual connection.

Also, I hate your ex-roommate. And based on her Twitter response to this question, I'm pretty sure FX's "Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell" writer and thinker-median Janine Brito ("seriously WHAT THE FUCK & who's ready to form a vigilante mob?") would agree. Also, Janine commented about her own cat: "Professor Papo Meowington knows I'm a ride or die bitch."

My best friend is also my younger sister. She's 23 and I'm 25. She just found out that she's pregnant and it seems like she really wants to keep the baby. She is definitely not ready for this kind of responsibility. She's not even paying her own bills right now. She's still paying off fines for a DUI she got last year, and she borrows money from time to time. I've seen her make some improvements in her lifestyle such as kicking her smoking habit completely, dropping out of the party scene, doing well at her job, working out more, and working on building up her self esteem and confidence, but she's still too immature to take care of another human being. My cousin says I ought to let her do what she wants, but my friends say I ought to pressure her into having an abortion.

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Can we just agree that nobody is allowed to pressure anybody into having or not having a baby? Is that a thing we could all get consensus on, like, right now?

No?

Okay, didn't think so.

She's 23 years old. She wants this baby. She quit smoking. She stopped partying. She's doing well at work. She exercises. She's doing important personal spiritual/emotional work. To me, she sounds like she might make an ideal parent. But you know what? It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about this! If she wants to be a mom, she's allowed to be a mom.

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I know you're probably worried that her decision will negatively affect you in some way. And I don't think you're selfish for considering this, particularly if you've had to (perhaps literally) bail your BFF/sister out in the past. But you've got to approach this situation very carefully, from a place of love and compassion.

I think you ought to sit her down and talk to her about what, if any, role you will take in this pregnancy and in the child's life. For example, you didn't mention whether you lived together. If you do share a home, you all need to figure out where the baby's room will be. Also, will sister-friend want you in the delivery room? Does she want you to attend birthing classes with her? Are you even interested in doing either of those things? These are good questions to handle sooner rather than later.

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Remember to be kind but firm and direct when addressing the financial issue. Do some thinking ahead of time and figure out if you want to offer to take care of any baby-related expenses. Understand that you are under NO OBLIGATION to pay for a dang thing – but I have a suggestion for you. It sounds like the best pre-baby gift you could get your sister would be a session with a certified financial planner who can help her sort out her bills and develop a short-term budget for the pregnancy and a longer-term budget for her child's first few years.

Good luck. Be the best auntie you can be. But make sure to lay down some clear boundaries in advance. Her choice is her choice – and that means you don't automatically become a mama when she does.

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My BFF (we're 20) just found out she has herpes and is devastated. She's just crushed. I reassured her she's wonderful and will help however I can but how can I help her feel like this isn't a life sentence? That she's not going to suffer from shame for life? That she'll go on to find love? Please help me help her.

According to our smart friends at the Centers for Disease Control, genital herpes (HSV-2) appears in "approximately one out of five women aged 14 to 49 years" in the United States. That's a hell of a lot of ladies. And not one of them deserves to be shamed for it.

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Now, repeat after me: this is not a punishment – not from God, not from nature, not from Mother Gaia, not from Fate, not from anything. Your best friend may need to hear this, even if she knows it logically. Also – and this is very important – every sexually transmitted infection (STI, as the modern kids do say) is manageable. What she's got to do is educate herself and follow a proper course of treatment. And you can help.

Encourage her to speak with a gynecologist, nurse practitioner, or other person with lots of experience treating patients with STIs. Your local Planned Parenthood health center would be a great place to start. The folks there may even have referrals to support groups she can join or websites she can visit (she can check out Diagnosis Glitter to start.)

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I'm also going to encourage the commentariat to weigh in with positive, upbeat, and helpful stories about people who live with HSV-2. Letter-writing gal, I suggest you scan through the responses, pick a few good ones, and share 'em with your friend.

And remember to tell her that you love her.

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DISCUSSION

OMGWTFIsThisLife
OMGWTFIsThisLife

YOU GUYS I NEED SOME ADVICE BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT THIS, SO SORRY/IGNORE ME IF THIS IS ANNOYING.. BUT SRSLY. Halp.

Okay. I met a guy on a website that everyone here loves to hate (I don't name names!!) and we hit it off pretty well. Lots of stuff in common, physically attracted to each other, etc etc - and before long we moved away from email and texts to phone calls and Skype. He'd text me first thing in the morning/last thing at night, Skype me during my lunch break and always, always, always say the most amazingly sweet things to me. Also, he sent me a TON of dirty pictures. I quite enjoyed them.

We talked every single day for about a month and we were really so head over heels for each other. He lived 2,000 miles away from me but we were already talking about the "what if's" of him moving to where I lived. Not super seriously, but it did come up from time to time.

Something was weird though, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. He would always say, "I'm available to you 24/7" but when I'd try to text him late at night or certain times of the day (always the same times) there'd be radio silence from him. He'd get back to me eventually with the same list of excuses.. I forgot my phone, my phone was dead, I did not hear my phone (and so on).

There were a few times I either wanted to just chat on the phone, have phone sex, have him send me a dick pic - whatever, anything really - and he would decline, stating that he lived with his parents while he paid off some debt (he was 26) and that they were home so he "just can't right now." That's cool, I never really pushed the issue when he said he couldn't.

He mentioned that one of his best friends was getting married and that he was the best man in the wedding. He had to attend some group dinners and practices, run some errands for the groom and go to a few fittings so he became less available to be during this time because he was so busy. He sent sexy, sexy pants-less pictures from the dressing room while he was trying on his tux. "Wow.." I said. "That looks like something the groom would wear." He said that it was just a very fancy wedding and everyone was getting fitted in very fancy threads. That's cool, fancy threads are nice sometimes. I didn't really push it.

He sent me a text the day of his friend's wedding just saying he'd miss me, and that he'd be out of pocket for the day while they all celebrated. I said, "No problem! I hope you have fun!" and left it at that. He sent me a 99% naked picture of him getting ready (naked with a bow tie, holy shit) and we said goodbye.

I didn't hear from him until late the next day at which point he said he was just really hungover from the night before and that had spent the whole day sleeping. He just wanted to say hi and said he'd call me when he got off work the next day.

He did just that, and we talked for a couple of hours that Monday. He told me all about his friend's wedding and how much fun it was and how happy he was for him. Then he told me that he was going to ANOTHER wedding in Aruba in just two days. He said his whole family was going out there for two weeks for this big shindig. That's when I did the maths and finally put 2+2 together. I didn't say anything to him about it, I just kept talking to him like all was well and good. Obviously I stopped sending him teh n00dz but he persisted. I saved every picture he sent me in a dropbox.

I wasn't sure if I was right about what was going on. I tried to sleep on it but it just made me restless every night. I woke up at 4am the day he was traveling and sent him a text - "Can we talk before you board??" No response.

I knew he'd be traveling for a good long while and the wait was just killing me. He has a really uncommon name so I finally decided to just Google him already - something I'd been avoiding as to not be creepy. The first thing that came up in the results was a wedding registry and information page (complete with photo collage of him and his fiance). And there it was.

HOURS (oh my god, so many fucking hours) later he finally landed in Aruba and sent me a text.. "Hey gorgeous, I just touched down in Aruba. Sorry I missed your text, things were so crazy this morning. I miss you so much!! Gonna try not to call or text too much while I'm out here because of the roaming chargers but the hotel has wifi (very slow though) so I'll try to get on Skype later so I can see your pretty face."

I sent back 5 words: Have fun on your honeymoon.

He tried to play dumb, "You're kidding, right? What the hell are you talking about??" Ugh. I didn't say a word, I just sent him a screenshot of the wedding page/photo collage and he said, "Okay, you got me. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to flirt but never expected to fall for you like this. I'm so, so sorry. I'll just leave you alone now."

He actually hurt my feelings. It's not that I was in love with him but I really, really did like him a lot. It's so rare for me to connect with someone that I just couldn't believe how well we got along. I guess I got myself all wrapped up. I also felt so incredibly terrible for his wife. She looked so happy and pretty in all the pictures she posted. There was a link to her Pinterest page and she had wedding boards there she'd been working on for months. There was a link to her Twitter and everything she said was just so darn nice. She seemed like such a sweet person who definitely does not deserve to be stuck with such a lying piece of shit.

SO THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION IS:

Do I tell her?

I was going to make a throwaway FB account and just send her his naked pictures and say, your husband has been lying to you.. or something like that. I don't want to give her all the gritty deets because I'm not trying to hurt her feelings but I feel like she deserves to know what she's dealing with. I'm just so confused and I need some advice!

If I do tell her, how should I do it? I mean, I obviously don't even know wtf to say ;[

If I don't tell her, then I should just delete all the photos and text messages and try to forget it right? This has me so fucking over come with guilt.

(sorry for typos and stuff like that.. typed this out kind of quickly)