My New Pink Button: "Restore The Youthful Pink Color Back To Your Labia"

Illustration for article titled My New Pink Button: "Restore The Youthful Pink Color Back To Your Labia"

Anti-aging mania and marketing: Not just for your face anymore! Now there's My New Pink Button, genital cosmetic colorant. Or, as our tipster calls it: Pussy dye. So, are you a Marilyn, a Bettie, a Ginger or an Audry?


See, My New Pink Button comes (HEH) in four shades: Marilyn is the lightest and "good for beginners." What's Bettie like? "Think of that favorite lipstick you wear for those dressy black tie affairs." Audry is a "bold burgundy pink color" for "the woman that loves to be daring." Ginger was "developed for 'Women of Color.'"

According to our tipster, the product was invented by a woman "of a certain age" who discovered that she had "lost her luster" down there. You probably know what I'm going to say next, but here goes, anyway:

WHAT THE FUCK. Women make about 75¢ for every dollar that men earn. Shoes, handbags and fashion "must-haves" are aggressively marketed to us. We're expected to be thin, wrinkle-free and not have any gray hair (which, of course, is "distinguished" on a man). Vogue declared armpits are "nasty." Anal bleach exists. And now we need to shell out cash so that our labia can to be the "right" color?


So sometimes your ladybits change color when you age or after you have children. Who cares? Why be embarrassed? If your parts work, and there's someone in your life who wants to get up close and personal and explore your secret garden, you should have no complaints. My New Pink Button is pitched as a product which "restores sexual confidence to Women everywhere!" But it seems like it could actually instill anxiety — if you didn't know you were supposed to have a "youthful" look between your legs, doesn't the discovery of this stuff foster insecurity?


Apparently the ingredients are FDA approved, although the website's FAQ states, "Like any other cosmetic product, if you experience discomfort, discontinue use." Guess what? I'm already experiencing discomfort, and I haven't even touched the stuff.

My New Pink Button [Official Site]


So, is this stuff, um, water-, lube-, and/or saliva-proof? If not, that could be hilarious.