My Friend's Girlfriend Won't Shut Up and It's Driving Me Insane

Welcome to Friendzone, Jezebel’s column devoted to dealing with the
valuable people in your life whom you’re not humping. Got an issue and
looking for guidance? Email [email protected].

I’m a guy and I
have a friend who is dating a woman that talks more than what I thought could
be humanly possible. They’ve dated for a over a year and it’s to the
point where I think I might stop hanging out with him because the thought of
having to hear her babble on for hours makes me want to punch myself in the
face. Is there any way I could just break them up?

Ladies be
talking, am I right? Always with the jibber-jabber and the yadda yadda and the
such. This woman sounds like the exact opposite of acclaimed stage and screen
veteran Michael Shannon, who probably only ever says fascinating things in
conversation.

It comes to
this: how much do you care about your friend? If you really and truly love him,
you will put up with this chick. She doesn’t sound evil; she just sounds
horribly boring. There are worse crimes. I bet she’s loving and caring and
treats your friend like gold. That’s what really matters, right?

If you can, try
to limit your hang time with him to one-on-one bro dates or boys’ nights out or
whatever you people call it. When you inevitably come into contact with her,
smile politely and nod while she monologues about bullshit. Zone out and go to
the special place in your head where Superman and General Zod are forever
locked in a mighty intergalactic dude-battle. Or internally recite the
Mahabharata. Or picture boobs. Trust me, you’ll get through it.

My friend and I are strict vegetarians – me for the past six years, him for the past six months. When we eat at restaurants he will sometimes order something that I suspect may have meat in it. I don’t say anything, because I don’t want to be annoying. Then he eats a few bites, realizes there’s meat in it, and gets mad at me for not warning him! What do I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: I am on the paleo diet so I just eat Texas chili three times a day and a side of bacon for a snack. But your situation intrigues me, so I shall take it upon myself to dole out some organic, local, GMO-free advice.

Vegetarians are fascinating creatures with lethal farts. I study them from afar as I study the face of critically beloved actor Michael Shannon, ever conscious that its curious beauty masks a fearsome power. I respect vegetarians enormously and recognize their lifestyle to be superior to my own, which is coincidentally exactly how I feel about Michael Shannon’s face. So good on you because the environment, animal cruelty, etc.

Anyway, the solution here is to be “annoying,” as you call it, or “helpful,” as one might say. Your friend needs help learning to navigate the choppy, kale-infested waters of the vegetarian sea. Be his lighthouse. His gassy, meatless lighthouse. Speak up. Educate this newly-minted herbivore. And if he whines at you anymore, tell him he can find another dinner partner. Then go binge-watch Boardwalk Empire, but only the scenes with Michael Shannon.

I have a
tight group of friends and oops, I slept with one. We hung out and had sex for
a few weeks and then he just kind of stopped showing interest. I went
over to his place a few more times, but I’m kind of a proud bitch and when he
didn’t make a move I stopped putting out. The only thing my friends say is
that’s its awesome that we can do that and still be friends but I would kind of
like to know what the fuck happened. He seemed into me when we were doing stuff
and I kinda want to know why he’s not now. Is that ok? I’m drunk and surrounded
by all of the aforementioned people. And please don’t use my email address or
anything. Just call me fucking stupid.

Well, [email protected] (J/K no one uses Yahoo anymore), it
appears you’ve done something that many of us have done at one point or
another: you humped a friend. It was super-fun, so you thought, “Why not
keep humping this friend? It will be so light-hearted and easy-peasy!” And
somewhere along the way, because you are human and you produce oxytocin and duh
it is natural to start to like someone who is constantly consensually throwing
it in you, you started to have the feels. Maybe not all the feels, but some of
the feels. I’m not saying you want to marry this gentleman and have little baby
Nelson Van Aldens, but you clearly feel wounded by the sudden chill in genital-to-genital
relations.

It’s possible that this fellow felt that the relationship was getting
“too intense,” which is bro-talk for “oh no, what if a feeling
is involved, let me run away from it immediately.” Maybe he started
humping someone else and felt he couldn’t manage both situations. Maybe he
caught a cold. Maybe he’s a murderous psychopath with a dual identity and you
got too close to the truth! We don’t know. And you know what? It doesn’t really
matter.

What matters is that you look after yourself and your heart and recognize
that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re pretty enough and smart
enough and sexy enough and everything else enough. If you really want to dig for answers, go ahead and ask the dude
point-blank what happened. But there’s a big chance you’re not going to like
what he has to say. Why put yourself through the extra headache and heartache
of hearing him stammer out some bullshit about how he “just wasn’t
ready” or whatever? Why not just accept that it’s over and turn your
attention to something more worthwhile, like haberdashery, or vengefully boning
his best friend? (Do not vengefully bone his best friend.)

Some sexual relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Others are meant
to take up the lifespan of a single awkward blowjob in a poorly-lit T.G.I.
Friday’s bathroom. Perhaps your dalliance with this fellow falls closer to the awkward
BJ end of the spectrum. That’s fine. Don’t waste one more minute worrying about
this. If you guys really are good friends, you may eventually get to a place
where you’ll laugh about it together.

Here’s your takeaway: YOU ARE NOT “FUCKING STUPID.” You are
awesome. Like…hold on, can’t think of someone to compare you to…oh, I don’t
know…rising star Michael Shannon. Yes, that’s it.